Thanksgiving Weekend

Well, even though Katie was the one who convinced me to come down for thanksgiving, I didn't get to see her at all during break. Not exactly surprised. I get the feeling that I only see her by coincidence or when she wants something from me. I was silly to think that she'd actually want to spend any time with me.

However, the quality of my break was not contingent on seeing her; that was just a goal of mine. I enjoy the affection that I get from her when we hang out, even if it is just a tool for her to get what she wants from me. You would think that I would actually be upset with her for using me for my computer skills, but I'm really not. After all, I'm just using her for her affection. :)

The rest of break was pretty banging, as Tushar says. Got home on Wednesday night at about 9pm, so I just hung out with my parents all night. My dad and I tried to go out and get pizza that night, but everything was closed or abandoned. Is was really weird and kind of disappointing.

Thanksgiving day was a very stereotypical East Thanksgiving. My grandparents came over and we had pork steak florentine, creamy cheese squares, and pumpkin pie. It was good, I guess, but nothing terribly exciting. For the rest of the day, my dad and I hung out together and watched the first two Planet of the Apes movies.

On Friday, my dad and I watched two more Planet of the Apes movies. At the end of the second movie, Dunning called me and invited me to the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert at the Scott Trade Center in Saint Louis. That concert was very loud, very bright, and very fun. It was the first time seeing them in concert, so I was more than happy to go. It was really nice spending time with Dunning too since it was the first time that I've really felt like I was home for months.

Saturday was pretty uneventful during the day. I spent most of the day waiting to see if Katie called me while I hung out with the family and went shopping for new pants since mine were ready to rip in half at the crotch. Since she didn't call, I went and hung out with Alex early at his house and then we had game night at seven where Jake, Dunning, and TJ joined us to play Settlers, Zombie Fluxx, and Bang. Needless to say, it was super awesome. I honestly wish I could do this every weekend.

Today, I've just sat around all day, packing and talking to people online as I'm waiting to take off for home again. It's going to be a long day of nothing.

Adventure Lite?

Well, I said I was going to have an adventure tonight and apparently, I meant it.

Currently, I am sitting in a bakery in Champaign with apple pie, Mountain Dew, and internet. How did I get stranded in such a wonderful position? Let me tell you.

Colleen wants my help tonight with getting the data off of her laptop and onto a portable hard drive. There are probably other people who could help her, but I have the materials and have done it before, so it's not a big deal.

Anyway, we decided that since Spencer would be going to Narnia House for Heroes tonight and she would be there anyway, I could hitch a ride with him over there and make things convenient for all of us. I checked with him and he said that was cool if I didn't mind going over to the pet store first and then entertaining myself until Heroes.

Well, when we picked up Jessica, it was obvious that would be a problem. She wanted to spend the entire evening with Spencer alone without me around. For me, that was fine as I didn't want to hang out with them, but wanted to hole myself away in some corner and work on my laptop or reading. I thought it would still be fine for me to get a ride to Narnia House and find some place away from people to stay until Colleen showed up and wanted to work with me.

While we were traveling through Champaign, Jessica started getting really bitchy and asked when they were going to drop me off since my apartment was in the other direction. It was at this point that I told Spencer to find a convenient parking lot to pull into so I could get out. He pulled into Colonial Pantry and I got out.

I figured that since I was in Champaign anyway, I might as well grab something to eat. Considering my options, I opted to go to a bakery where I could get something small along with a bottle of Dew and be undisturbed as I sat around typing on my laptop.

So voila, here I am. Now, I just have to get to Narnia House before 8 so I can work on Coll's computer. The bus station isn't too far away, so it shouldn't be too hard.

Beta-Testing Gwabs

So, over a year and a half ago, you may remember that I was interested in a new Mortal Kombat style fighting game that took place on your desktop with cartoon like characters called Gwabs. Even though it wasn't due out for a couple months, I preordered it to reserve my spot and get a chance to beta test it while helping the start-up company Cambrian House.

Well, much later than expected, Gwabs has entered private beta. Thursday of last week, I was invited to be one of the first beta testers. I honestly don't mind waiting so long for this. Not only is it a great game from a company with a great business idea, but the opportunity is coming at a time where I can afford to spend lots of time doing testing and bugging the creators with ideas.

There are a few problems with the game, but that is to be expected since it's just starting up. All of the characters look a lot like 42 from Hitman so far and there are only two missions which can only be completed multiple times if you keep hitting the retry button. The website is only partially functional, leaving out a lot of the features that I'm incredibly eager to have released. But that's okay. These are things that I'm just impatient for.

What I really want is for there to be more people online so I can test it out better. The most people I've ever seen online at once is three which is indicative of just how private this Beta is. They told us to let them know if we had friends who'd also like to become operators and join the private beta, but unfortunately, my friends are the wrong type of gamers or are just plain too busy right now. I really want to play with some of my friends.

If you want to get a feel for Gwabs, watch this preview. A lot of it is accurate except for the character specific powers, but that's just because those characters haven't been released yet, I have a feeling.

Trapped

I feel trapped in my life, really unable to talk to anyone. I know that is what this blog is for, but I've let it become compromised. I'm scared of everyone and everything. I feel so terribly alone right now. I just want someone to talk to, someone to trust.

Tastes Like Evil

Even though I had a huge day ahead of me filled with papers and homework when I reluctantly woke up this morning, it all fizzled to naught by noon. I guess that's a good thing, but now I'm sitting in the English building, sipping a huge can of sugar-free RedBull, with nothing to do. If I knew things were going to work out this way, I would have brought my World of Darkness corebook to read. (Of course, if I had brought it, all hell would have broke loose and I would never have had time to read it.)

I watched three seasons of Red vs. Blue over the past two nights with Jaden and Lynley. That really brought back old memories. Unfortunately, those days are truly dead and gone and never to return, as they say. All I can hope for is to build something new with some of the qualities if the past. I'm working on it. It's a slow process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was the Family.

Speaking of which, I talked to my parents more about buying a house. They said that I should expect to buy a house that costs twice my yearly salary. Well, if that's my limit, I can afford to live in a car. I guess I'll have to wait till after next year to buy a house if I can even afford one by then. Since a low-end house here costs something close to a hundred grand, it may be a while before I can afford a real house. I was really hoping to buy a house soon, so I'm a little disappointed.

Just talked with Professor Rubins about doing independent study with him. I decided that since I wasn't sure that I would be able to devote as much time to the class as I wanted to, I wouldn't take the official class, but I'd still take the additional time to write and try and get something publishable by the end of the semester. Professor Rubins said that he was more than willing to help and would be willing to look over work that I did. Now, just to push myself to do some actual work.

I still haven't done anything for NaNoWriMo and this month is almost over. I don't know whether it is the amount of other work that I'm doing, writer's block, or just the distaste of doing something that millions of other people are doing, but I just can't seem to get started. I think it may have to do with the fact that I feel a book is something that you should pour over, scour very carefully, and devote a large portion of your time to instead of just writing as fast as you can to pump out crap. However, NaNoWriMo is a good writing exercise and I know it. I really should be doing it.

Anyway, off to class to turn in a proposal that will most likely be rejected.

Tiny Post

Haven't posted a real post in a while, partly because I was busy doing other things like shooping. I've really been enjoying doing photo manipulations, even if some other people are less than enthused about me putting the King into the background of their pictures. After all, it gives me great pleasure and a little bit of experience with different techniques. Besides, it's gotten the attention of a few people who are appreciative of my talents and who have asked me to do some things for them. It also gives me a reason to hang out with Katie more which is exciting, I won't lie.

Man, I'm too tired to create a real post. Maybe I'll post more when I have more energy.

Apathy

Normally I hate these things, but Ryon's really made me laugh, so I'm copying it from him.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button.
As per usual there will be a few funny ones. I'm going to go ahead and bold my favorites.

1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say:
International Killer

2. What would best describe your personality?
Chemical Warfare

3. What do you like in a dude or dudette?
Welcome

4. How you feelin' today?
No Life

5. What, exactly, is your purpose in life?
Jesus Antichristus (recently deceased mix)

6. What is your motto?
Fatalist

7. What do your friends think of you?
All Revved Up With No Place to Go

8. What do you think about frequently?
Warriors of Destiny

9. 2+2=?
What a Day

10. What do you think of the person you like?
Feel So Numb

11. What is your life story?
Missing Link

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Jesus Online

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Nothingness

14. What do your parents think of you?
Devil's Path 2000 (apt...)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Evacuate

16. What will they play at your funeral?
Epicentre

17. What is your hobby or interest?
Before I forget

18. What is your biggest secret?
Towards the End

19. What do you think of your friends?
Your Pilot

20. What's the worst thing that could happen?
The Beginning of the End

21. How will you die?
Sin in Numbers

22. What's the one thing you regret?
Tell me Why

23. What makes you laugh?
Hang Him Higher

24. What makes you cry?
Mistakes

25. Will you ever get married?
State of Emergency (I guess that means no...?)

26. What scares you the most?
Futile

27. Does anyone like you?
Pay Off

28. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Beloved (Grey Down Version)

29. What hurts right now?
Endless Light

30. What will you post this as?
Apathy

Wow, I have a very apocalyptic and pessimistic iTunes...

When you see it....

...You'll shit brix.

Intentions vs. Results

I've been toying with the idea of writing an entry for today and even had an idea of what I wanted to write, but that idea has somehow escaped me. Therefore, I guess whatever I write here will be fairly random.

Finally mailed off my letters to Canada, but ran out of stamps so I'm going to have to postpone my letter to Scotland until I get some more. I really want to get that letter out by Friday so I can feel like I finally did something important.

Went to my first class and discovered that I needed to have a paper topic to the teacher by tomorrow for our big research paper. I didn't even know that we had a big research paper, so I was quite surprised, to say the least.

Decided to skip my second class to actually read the material for the class, but ended up cleaning up the apartment and doing photo manips instead, shown here.

From this:
I made these:


From this:


I made this:


Overall, they're nothing special, but I had fun making them. In fact, I was having so much fun with them that I forgot to eat lunch. I quickly remedied that before writing this post by downing some chips and salsa.

I was planning to go to my third class, but remembered that it was canceled and signed up to do an extra work shift, only partly because Spencer wanted to talk to me in person about Larp. I could use the extra money anyway. I plan on taking the book to my second class of the day and doing the work that I didn't do earlier. Maybe I'll remember what else I was going to post on and make another post for today.

Ill

I feel so terribly sick right now. I'm having violent and erratic mood swings that don't make much sense, I feel like I'm going to vomit all of the time, and my face feels incredibly warm. I'm reminded very much of Alex's illness in the Clockwork Orange. It helps that I have been feeling like I'm going to snuff it for a while now. If I didn't know that the cause of this sickness was just emotional distress of some sort from a really rough, intense weekend, I would think that I was horribly diseased. However, the thing that proves that it is an emotional sickness and not a real illness is because there are times that I feel great and on top of the world which come as often as the intense stomach pain and need to vomit sensation.

If this gets to be too much, I may have to enact the Dunning Principle.

On Making Friends

I have finally figured out a quantitative reason for why it is so hard to enter into meaningful relationships at college. In retrospect, I'm really surprised that I haven't figured this out sooner. It all has to do with the sheer amount of time that you spend with people.

In high school, you spend at least and hour interacting with the same 30-60 people every day, five days a week. Through even such a minute interaction every day, you slowly build up a firm relationship and gain a good basic understanding of who those people are because you spend at least five hours a week with them, often more.

Once you have built up such a solid foundation for a relationship with 30-60 people, it is inevitable that you will find people that even more closely relate to you and your personality preferences. That being the case, you start to hang out with them at school and end up spending quite a bit more time with them, whether it be in class, at lunch, or in the halls. Even if you only increase your interaction with these people to two hours a day in school, you are suddenly spending ten hours a week or more with them and you get to really hash out the intimacies of your relationship with them, even if you don't do so verbally.

Now, the people that you hang out this much with at school tend to hang out together through simple proximity if not by like mindedness. This group of friends will often form a network or mesh of relationships and build one single giant relationship together, making a sort of family. They will hang out together outside of school, go places together, do things together, often spending forty or more hours a week in each other's presence. This allows ample time to build quality relationships fairly quickly.

After four years of this type of interaction, you leave high school with a very close knit group of friends. Even with those people you've only had low-grade positive interaction with, the sheer amount of time that you interact with them tends to transcend group barriers, allowing for all of them to become your friends in earnest.

Compare that to College life. In a large college where you are able to take hundreds of different classes in different orders, it is unlikely that you will have more than a few people that are the same in different classes. The average class only meets two to three times a week and has generally over a hundred people in them. That being the case, you are lucky if you spend more than three hours a week with the same people that you do not know.

Spending so little time with people that you do not know significantly slows down the initial process of getting to know people and in turn, slows everything else down immensely. Therefore, what would normally take only a month or two may take a year or more, lessening the possibilities of forming well developed relationships.

To make matters worse, the people that you see in your classes for one semester are very likely to not be in class with you next semester. Therefore, all of the work that you put into forming a foundation of a relationship comes pretty much to naught. There will likely be a few people that you see from class to class, but instead of forming a relationship with them based on genuine like, you tend to form a relationship with them out of the desperate need for some sort of connection with anyone and the fact that you've had a previous class with them provides that connection.

This is the reason that RSOs and church groups become so popular on campus. Unlike with classes, these groups provide a guarantee that you will interact with the same people week after week in a setting that assures that you have some sort of common interest. The problem with these groups is that they are often too narrow. Even though you may have something in common with the people therein, that does not necessarily mean that your personalities will match up. Since most RSOs tend to hang out in groups of thirty or less to make a practical event (though they may have larger meetings or special events), there is a very small pool to find someone who meshes well with you. More often than not, you will find a few people who mesh with you, but rather awkwardly and with these people, you will form the rocky foundations of a friendship. Since RSOs only meet a few times a week for a couple of hours, the development of these rocky foundations are slow going and leav lots of gaps, making them even rockier.

Because the foundations for these friendships are often rocky, they are also unstable. This sort of unstable friendship that falls apart where the people's friendships start to unmesh and tends to cause disagreements that sabotage the friendship as a whole just because the people involved have a hard time trusting one another, not knowing exactly how one feels about the parts of themselves that they are insecure about.

I may be wrong, but I really feel that this is the problems that I've been having trouble understanding since I've come to college and the reason that I find it extremely hard to make friends. I never could pinpoint the process before, but I think I've got it down now.

The question is, how do I apply this knowledge?

Unamerican

I am possibly the most unamerican American that I know.

Yesterday was Election Day, as you all know, and instead of being excited to get to vote in the presidential election for the first time, I fit it into my schedule between lunch and video games as one of the chores I needed to do before the day was out. When I actually went to vote, I went reluctantly, not viewing it as a right or privilege, but as my unfortunate civic duty. I didn't really want to vote, but I know that nothing will get done in this country unless a majority of adults voice their opinion on how to run the country. Therefore, I voted.

When I found out the news that Obama won, I was not fanatically excited like many of my friends. Don't mistake me, I'm glad he won as he is who I voted for because I think he'll be a positive change to our country, but I don't think he's some miracle worker who will solve all of the country's problems. He's a human like the rest of us, but with a few good ideas. As such, I don't see the cause for a huge celebration. There's still a long way to go in this work and I won't be cheering until it's all over.

Weird Night

This probably won't seem weird to anyone but myself, but I wanted to post it anyway just because I thought it was.

My weird night started out as I was walking down the hall towards the exit of DCL after work. A guy was standing there in a sporty biker jacket, carrying a biker helmet, and we looked at each other at the same time. He walks up to me and the following conversation ensued:

Biker Guy: Patrick?
Me: Why, yes.
Biker Guy (pulling an iClicker from his jacket): iClicker?
Me (Raising an Eyebrow): Uh..?
Biker Guy: I'm supposed to be meeting a Patrick who wanted to buy an iClicker.
Me: Well, you're half right...

It was just so odd and so ironic that he was looking for someone with the same name as me and I happened to be just there at that time and pretty much one of the only people there that we stood stunned for a little while remarking on just how ironic it was.

Then I took off and made my way over to Ryon's to find out that Heroes was canceled in order to do the SNL Presidential bash. I stayed for a while to watch SNL with Sam and eat my Calzones. All of a sudden, Spencer comes in without saying anything to anyone, slams the front door, storms off to his room, and slams that door. It was such a nonsequitor that I really didn't know what to say other than to ask Ryon if that happened often.

Eventually, I made it home to the apartment where I found the living room light on, but Lynley and her car gone. (That's a fairly common occurance since she has two group projects all of the time.) On my computer I found a massive stack of mail for me and started going through it. A lot of it was election stuff that I threw away, but there happened to be four letters that stuck out, two of which had been postmarked with "Support Mental Health" in English and French.


Right away, I knew who the letters were from before I had even looked. Devin had asked for my mailing address a while ago, so I figured that it was from Steph and him. The only thing I couldn't figure out was why there were four of them.

I opened the letters (three from Steph, one from Devin) to find some incredibly artistic, but confusing letters to me, each with a gift inside. There was two anime cutouts from something or other, a stack of Canadian coins, a Pokéman card, and a check for ten dollars in total. The best that I can gather, Steph got a promotion at her job (she works tech support just like me, but in the private sector and for a lot more money. Stupid Canadians not requiring a college degree for awesome jobs.) and she was celebrating that and Samhain by sending me letters and trinkets.



I tell you, ending your day with letters from some of your best friends who live a whole country away is a really good way to end your day and your weird evening, even if they make it more weird.

Now maybe to have some cocoa and rest.

A Revolution Must be Had

I was talking with Scotty last night about our friends from back in Troy. After spending a while reminiscing about just what we missed about those friends, we quickly came to the same conclusion; there is something wrong with the world.

I've been feeling really frustrated ever since the beginning of this weekend and I couldn't exactly put my finger on why. All I knew was that I kept ending up sitting in corners, observing my friends, not really interacting or talking with anyone (and not really wanting to), and just feeling incredibly annoyed. After a while, I decided that I needed to be done with that, so I got drunk as fast as I could without vomiting.

After talking with Scotty, I think I figured out why. Most of my friends here are self absorbed, self interested, and too willing to get upset with each other over little things that don't matter. I won't name names, but its not necessary since it applies to roughly half of them and who does it doesn't really matter; the fact that a majority of my friends are like this is what matters.

Who am I really surrounding myself with? All of this idiotic infighting and self-contained drama is ridiculous. Back home, there was just as much shit that went down, probably even more since we dated within the group excessively. However, we never lingered on it as much as happens here. We never let it split us and divide us into little factions competing for turf.

I think that a major difference which helped a lot back home was that the group was not formed first. Instead, each one of us became friends with the others because we saw them all of the time in classes and in the hallways. We would introduce one person to another person, not one person to the entire group. This allowed for the creation of a much more real dynamic than the Metagamers could ever have. Our friendships were genuine and not formed over a common interest other than our genuine interest in each other. Instead of competing with each other for the attention of a few, we became like kin towards each other, bonded and backed by blood. This ridiculous competition for attention that the Carpé Nocten group has is retarded.

The other, more obvious, thing that the Family had over the Carpé Noctem group is the fact that its members were much more interested in the important things in life. Not a day went by where we didn't discuss philosophy, come up with some grand scheme, or talk about the problems of the world. Maybe this sounds hypocritical since I hate discussing politics with the Carpé Noctem group, but when politics are discussed by them, it is rarely ever a discussion. It's usually an argument and a dick slapping contest and nothing more. I hate it so much. Renny and I discuss politics quite a bit relatively, but that's because I feel like things actually get discussed. The finer details are brought up, both sides are critiqued, and I actually feel like I am thinking more.

Anyway, all of this discussion and thinking with Scotty led us to a conclusion: a revolution must be had. People must be brought above their petty arguments and differences and band together for the good of the world. Philosophy and other intellectual topics must be discussed. Hedonism and Egocentrism needs to be crushed. Stupidity cannot be tolerated and must need be punished. We are all of the same cut, the same flesh, and most act for one another, not ourselves.

Halloween Weekend

With this post, I now have exactly the same number of entries on this blog as I did on The Screaming Eye. Unfortunately, I don't even have a fraction of the readership here that it did, but that's to be expected since I rarely give out the URL to this blog. I really feel that because it is written with the concept of me being an outcast in mind, my inner thoughts shouldn't just be given away. But that's neither here nor there and definitely not what I intended to post about.

Actually, my intent to post was very vague. I don't have anything that I really wish to talk about too much. We had the halloween larp last night which was interesting. I wish I could share it with you by just opening my mind and letting the contents pour out because I want to share it with you, but I don't want to go through the effort of talking about it because it was so frustrating to me and my character.

Went over to the Narnia House for the first time Friday night for Jess's Halloween party. It was alright, I guess. I wasn't planning on really drinking too much, but it got to the point where I couldn't understand the people who were drunk and I felt like I constantly had a Colleen look on my face, so I decided to get as drunk as possible without getting sick. That turned out to be a better plan than I expected and I actually enjoyed the rest of an otherwise depressing evening.

I wish I had gotten more pictures of my Halloween costume, but due to a cop asking me to take it off the first time and it being really uncomfortable the second time, I didn't wear it much during Halloween. It's a shame since, although the costume was simple, I put a lot of effort and money into it. The idea behind the costume was lame, I admit it, but I liked it. I was portraying my backup character for the Larp, "Seth." He's a faceless clanless Vampire that whispers all of the time and has a shovel as his preferred weapon.

Next year, I'm going to try and come up with something really surreal so that when people ask me what I am, I can tell them and they will leave confused, but not through obscurity of reference. For example, I thought about getting some nice clothes and splattering them with fake blood and walking around like nothing is amiss then telling people that I am a Kindergarten teacher when people ask me what I am and giving no explaination other than that. Regardless, I want something extremely realistic so that the creep factor does not come from the fantasy element, but the realistic element. Too bad Halloween only comes once a year.

I have more things to post about, but I think I'll hold off until later. Right now, I have a lot on my mind. I also have some pictures from the different events that I need to upload.

Dear Closet Nerds,

What the fuck is your problem?

For a long while, the only true closet nerd that I knew was Crap who would twitch and panic if you even hinted at a relationship between him and the Metagamers while in public. He was really ashamed of being a gamer even though he was one of the most involved gamers that I've ever known. After a bit of a snafu with him and I meeting at a What You Will play and me exposing him as a nerd to them and then exposing every other member of the play as a nerd as well, I thought he had gotten better about the whole being a nerd thing. Well, Crap and I had an online interaction last night that proves otherwise.

Crap is no longer the only closet nerd that I know of now though. I have a coworker who is very much the same way except that it goes so far that although he has nerdy impulses and enjoys nerdy things, he is so ashamed of his own nerdiness that he won't even allow himself to indulge in that nerdiness, even in private.

So I want to ask all of you closet nerds out there, what's the big deal? I can see being ashamed of Larping, but only because of its traditional social stimatization, not anything else. After all, Larp is basically expanded improvisational acting with a rule system behind it, acting out a story that cannot be told in only one evening. Sure, it's like a giant game of Make-Believe, but so is any form of acting or writing. Only here, you get a bigger say in what happens with the story while still working with others.

If it was tabletop roleplaying, I would understand being ashamed of easier. After all, the stereotype for tabletop is a goup of nerds sitting around in someone's basement, being slobs, rolling dice, and doing math to pretend that they are wizards, thiefs, and warriors playing out high fantasy. Since a lot of tabletop is DnD, that stereotype is unfortunately fairly accurate. However, it's not always the case.

But I don't see what is so wrong to be a nerd in general. True, a lot of nerds are completely socially inept, but this isn't a product of being a nerd, but rather a seperate trait all in itself. Being a nerd just means that you are intelligent, usually academically. That should be something revered, not scorned. We need more super intelligent people in this world, not less. We should just be encouraging the development of social skills as well. One could argue that Larp does this since the Larp group socializes a ton outside of game. No, it's not very efficient, but its something.

Back in high school, we read a study that wanted to know whether the stereotype about the icompatability of intelligence and social skills was well founded. I don't remember much about the study, but I do remember the general conclusion it had. It said that beauty, brawn, social prowess, and intelligence were often linked togetherand directly proportional instead of inversely so. This seemed to be an obvious thing as all of our best atheletes were also our valadictorians and were friends of mine in my honors classes.

It was only once I reached here that the stereotype seemed to hold up to scrutiny. I was very confused and decided to observe and see if I could determine the reason. What I found out was that the same phenominon that happened in my high school happened to the same extent here, but with one additional factor. Since we were such a high quality school, specialists in a certain field, whether it would be sports or academics, from all over the country would gather together in one place and be more promenant than those who were just fairly good at everything. In fact, since those who weren't quite as good at everything couldn't even get in to this school, it was primarily the specialists and the jack-of-all-trades that made up the student body here. Therefore, those who were fairly good at everything became "average" instead of being praised for excelling as they were used to because no matter what they participated in, there were specialists there who were better at it.

What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with being a nerd, especially if you are also atheletic and a social butterfly. Why should there be? In fact, it should be a blessing to be a nerd, to be able to think creatively, do math well, and enjoy thinking. It's an advantage that you have over people who are not so blessed. Why shouldn't you revel in it? Why would you be ashamed of it?

Finally, a Conclusion

Oh, just an update on things before I forget. They aren't terribly important, but I wanted to make a remark of them. Sarah Uhl and I went out for coffee on Monday night to talk and one of the things that came up is what happened last year. Now, things make a bunch more sense and we're on good terms with each other (as far as I know. It's always a little hard to tell with her.)

However, let me see if I can lie out the miscommunication that happened between us. I thought that she was mad at me because of the things we did and the fact that there was no relationship to follow since that was what I was told and ostracised for. I was mad at her because i thought she purposefully propigated the lie that I didn't tell her that it was a one time thing and actually attempted to destroy what little social standing I had.

What actually happened was that Crap made a drink for her the night stuff happened between her and I which made her forget the night before for the mostpart (which I didn't know. If I did, I wouldn't have had her drive over to my place in any circumstance.) Therefore, she has no recollection what-so-ever of the talk I had with her before anything happened making sure that she understood the terms on which I was interested in things happening and making sure that they were terms that suited her as well. After all, the last thing that I wanted was the situation to bite me in the ass as it did before. (Maybe it's not romantic, but I feel it's better to be careful than romantic when dealing with the feelings of someone else.)

However, that wasn't the reason that she was mad at me. She was mad at me because I apparently started ignoring her online while she was in France and she was frustrated and panicking, being all alone. Well, a lot of things were happening at that point, but I tried to communicate with her the best I could. However, it seemed as though she disliked talking to me and I was told that she was mad at me over the things we did, so I just slowly stopped talking to her thinking that I made her angry every time that I approached her. Had I known that she just wanted to talk more, a lot of pain could have been avoided.

So, that's the summary of everything that matters as far as I can tell. If you were curious as it seemed like a lot of you were, there's your answer. One final thing though, since at least one person has been confused on the matter. Sarah and I did not have sex. Though the experience we shared was a sexual one, it contained very extremely limited sexual acts, more appropriate to a shy and curious fourteen year old than to the reputation I was given over it. The next time you want to give me a heinous reputation, at least allow me to have done significant acts worth the trouble. Just saying.

A Minor Purpose

Tonight, as I walked to the bus from work holding five Halloween cupcakes and have a two-liter of Coke, I realized something profound. I realized that I feel like I have not felt for many years, back before high school, before I lost my delusions of grandeur. I feel strong. I feel important. I feel proud.

I finally feel like a true individual, living my own life truly independent of any others, with my own dreams and my own desires. I do not want to make it sound as though my relationships with others have become less important because they have not. I have never really held my own individuality in a high position of importance, not even when I was very small. Now though, I see what it means to follow one's dreams.

I feel a little silly because my dreams are not something grandiose like those of other people that I know. I don't wish to put on a huge musical, become famous, or save the Earth. I wouldn't mind such things and I freely help others with those goals, but they aren't my goals. No, mine are quite different and much smaller in scope.

What I would like do do for a while (I'm not sure how long exactly, but it feels like something I could see myself enjoying doing for a very long time) is work at CITES. I really like my job. I don't like being a consultant, dealing with stupid people all of the time, but it has been a long time since I really considered that my job. Even though only a consultant I may be (as neither my raise or promotion seems to have gone through...), I take on the role of an Academic Hourly or a Full-Timer quite often and I really like it. I am a role model for the younger students, someone who they can look to for answers and confide in with problems. The organizational and managerial problems that I face are challenging, but rewarding at the same time, causing me to really feel my potential bubbling up within me. With every little thing I do within CITES, I watch it grow and flux, becoming stronger and better.

No, I don't influence CITES that much, but I do a little bit, and that's enough for me. Even doing so little, I affect dozens of people, subtly making their lives better and I feel that is a truly noble purpose, one that I wish to continue doing. I know that my life situation may change eventually. I know that I may grow frustrated with what I'm doing now and seek out another purpose. I know that I may have to give up my dreams in the future to provide for the good of us all. However, that time is not yet now and I can feel the fury of my passion supporting this cause, making me feel truly alive.

Maybe I'll get lucky and all of the pieces will fall into place, allowing me to continue to do what I love so much. We will see.

I realize that three posts in so many hours is quite excessive, but I also realize that most probably no one reads this anyway, so it shouldn't matter all that much. I'm just humming with energy and can't quite focus it on any of the things that I'm supposed to be doing such as reading one of my two books sitting in my pockets for my British Modernism class or writing/revising the story I posted on Facebook.

I think I may actually save that for next month which just happens to be National Novel Writing Month. Unlike in days past where inspiration just kind of peters out in my head and I end up writing myself into a corner, I have plenty of ideas in my head - almost too many. However, with all of the work I've been doing lately, I've been feeling too congested to just let it flow. If other people cared more, I could probably keep writing it despite the congestion, but it's not their job to care, it's mine to write despite other people.

Thinking about all of this British Modernism crap has caused me to think a lot about my writing. It hasn't helped me craft at all and I still think that arguing about Literature analysis is pointless, arrogant, and stupid, but some of the individual topics have struck a cord in me. Kelly, I'm sure you'd be proud of yourself. I still feel antagonistic towards the material just on principle as I still believe literature analysis to be rape most foul, violating the work and the author alike, but I no longer feel antagonistic towards you.

From my first experiences with this class, I felt that if a class were to hook me and keep me interested, it would not be this one. However, through the extreme antagonism and violent fights that it's caused, it has grabbed a hold on me and practically beat me into submission. I feel like its quickly becoming my goal to grab it back and render my superiority over it. Even if I come out of that class with a less than decent grade, I will understand the material.

The book that we are reading right now (or rather, supposed to have had read for last Thursday) has really got its claws in me for better or for worse. It's a compilation on three novellas, The Fox, The Captain's Doll, and The Ladybird, all with the explicit theme that can be summed up as love and emotion are evil and we should deny them to refrain from being hurt. Usually, when reading something that I get really into, I take up the personality of one of the main characters in the text and am inflicted with their personalities. Thankfully, this is not the case this time. Although I have noticed a decline in my sex drive, I think no less of love. Instead, I feel that I am becoming harmonized with the novellas themselves, with the Art that they are a part of. I feel that my writing shows this as do my musings. I can't explain any further, but let me say that I finally understand what it means to say that you want to capture something before it is anything. I am driven for the same, but held back by the very same impulse. Almost as if I am a puppet held by the strings of this Art, ready for action, but waiting for the right time.

Something isn't complete within me though. Every time I think about this particular thing, my brow furrows and I feel as if my soul is under construction. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, the construction to be finished.

I know, however, that what I write, no matter how influenced by works of British Modernism, will never be termed Modernism. Not because of the time period within which I live because I feel that Eysteinsson is right to argue that Modernism in itself has no time period (though I'm still trying to determine exactly what Modernism is), but because it follows strict formalism. If there's anything I can't deal with, it's formalism. How can you expect to have something truly pure if you allow it to be contrived in a such a way, no matter how organic?

I need to run so that I can get filled with caffeine before my next class, so I will hold off on my ponderings for now.

Physical Contact

The bus that picked us up this morning was a single, instead of the double that usually comes. Since even the double is usually crowded, that means that we were packed in like sardines and I was acutely aware of the people around me. The bus ride was extra long due to construction, so I had quite a bit of time to think on the way to class.

I realized there, standing shoulder to shoulder with the anonymous individuals on the bus, that the only direct physical contact I receive is through brushing up against people on accident in a crowded bus. The lurching of the bus controls my movements and therefore controls how much contact I have every day. It's strange to have a bus control such a powerful thing in one's life as physical contact with other people.

It's no wonder I seldom feel human.

Epic Weekend.

So, this weekend was incredibly Epic, mostly Epic fail. Let me recount it to you in backwards order as tonight's failure was the most Epic and clearest in my mind.

First of all, I thought that this week was actually next week and therefore thought that I had an additional paper and project due in the next three days on top of my paper and exam on Tuesday. I appropriately freaked out and tried to figure out how I was going to stay awake for seventy-two hours in order to complete all of the work I needed to finish. I felt like such a fool when I realized my temporal error.

However, thinking that it was next week already caused me to check my DARS audit to see where I was towards graduation just to double-check and make sure that I was on track. I found out that I am definitely not on track like I thought I was an actually screwed up really bad by taking a philosophy 300 course instead of a Literature 300 course this semester. So in order to graduate on time, I have to take eighteen hours next semester instead of the expected twelve. However, I was able to plan out my schedule so that since I will be able to register before most people, I will get the classes I want (including a Sci-Fi lit class and a Fantasy Lit class) which I planned to have all lumped together, so I may actually end up with more free time than I ever did even taking twelve hours of classes. To make it all work though, I'm going to have to get permission to do CW 455, independent study. Pro: means I might actually be published by the time I graduate. Con: It will take a LOT of work.

I didn't get invited to the shindig at Narnia House this Saturday. I actually wasn't expecting to since Katie was down and I also still don't feel quite integrated into the group yet, but it was still kind of disappointing. Sarah constantly complains on how she misses out on everything, but I don't think she realizes just how much she doesn't miss out on. She should look at things from my point of view just to be able to see what she is a part of that I seemingly can't be.

Don't take my subtle frustration as a lamentation however. Although I feel very left out of the loop, the Carpé Noctem social group is not my everything. I would have liked it to be a bigger part of my life than it is, but c'est la vie. Instead, it seems as though I am creating a social group of my own of people who are more like-minded to me.

Which brings me to the point of my weekend that was Epic Win. Since I didn't get invited to either of the parties that were happening on Saturday, I hung out at Game Night with the usuals. I ended up talking to Matt quite a bit and after Game Night let out, we went over to his place and talked some more. In fact, we talked until about three in the morning until the point where I could feel my body physically shutting down and I stumbled to the bus to take me home.

It was a really good night and I feel really accomplished. Matt is an amazing person who I wish that I had met much earlier in my collegiate career because I feel like we share so many of the same references at least somewhat. I'm still nowhere near as nerdy as him (or nerdy in the standard way, I should say), but we're both technophiles and mediaphiles which goes a long way. I really think I've made a high quality friend in him, one that I can trust not to ditch me on the side of the curb like I'm so used to from people up here.

Friday night started my weekend of Fail. The tabletop game went really well (extraordinarily so, even) and got done right on time. However, it took us a little while to get going and got caught by a train, so we missed out on the laser light show outing with the rest of the group. Then I was all set to got to the gothabilly show at the Cowboy Monkey, but due to a miscommunication with Lynley (that I won't go into right now) and the 70W Grey not running late on Friday nights, I ended up staying home and going to bed early and pissed off.

Looking back, I guess my weekend really wasn't all that bad. It was incredibly disappointing, but shit happens. The only thing that frustrates me is my schedule for next year, but even that doesn't bother me terribly. It'll be a lot of work, but I might as well leave school with a bang. I'll just have to condition myself so that I actually do work. Guess I better start now.

Adieu, Moonstruck

Apparently, Moonstruck Cafe on the corner of Green and Wright in Champaign closed its doors permanently yesterday. I absolutely loved that place and had no idea that it was going to close. I am so incredibly disappointed. If you're wondering why they did it, here is the press release:

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To our customers:

Moonstruck Chocolate Co. recently announced it had made the difficult decision to close its nine Moonstruck Chocolate Cafés outside of the Portland-area as part of an effort to focus its retail business here in the Pacific Northwest. While we no longer will be serving those markets through our café locations, our chocolates remain available nationally through our wholesale customers. Customers can also find our complete line of year-round and seasonal chocolates here on our website, moonstruckchocolate.com.

If you possess a Moonstruck Chocolate Café gift card and had planned on redeeming it at a café that has now closed, we want to assure you we will honor any outstanding monetary value remaining on your card. To redeem, simply call 1-800-557-MOON and speak with one of our customer service professionals.

We remain committed to producing handcrafted artisan chocolates of the highest quality, and we look forward to continuing to offer you exciting new concepts in chocolate in the near future. We thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Moonstruck Chocolate Co.
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So, Moonstruck, if this is the end, I must say Adieu. I will be extremely sad to see you go. You've provided some very good dates and many delicious Brown Cow shakes. You will always live on in my memories.

Let's Have Ourselves a Rant

Ugh, my head is killing me. I don't have a headache, but I can feel my sinus problems developing. I always hate this point because my sinuses just tingle and annoy me and I know that there's nothing I can do to solve it. Not to mention the fact that this means that I will have more advanced sinus problems for at least a week...

Both my parents decided to bail on me for this weekend and now it's only my grandparents coming up to visit me. What the fuck do I do now? At least with my parents coming up, they would take charge of activities and whatnot and I wouldn't be left to entertain. Now I have to find something for my grandparents to do that they will enjoy which is nigh impossible. Most likely they'll want to just sit around my apartment and talk with me (read: complain about shit). I can't think of a worse way to spend my Saturday...

...except maybe to spend it with the one person that I'm constantly fighting with, Katie. Wait, what's that? She's going to be down this weekend? Well, sh*t.

Actually, though I'm not on particularly good terms with Katie, I have been looking forward to her return to see if I get invited to a party over at the Narnia House. I feel that's probably the easiest way to tell if I actually have been incorporated back into the group as it seems. It won't dramatically change anything, but it is something that I've been wanting to know.

Speaking of a return to the group, I have been hanging out with people more often. This past Monday, I went and watched Heroes after work with Ryon and Jon. It was one of the best episodes that I've ever seen and was so wonderful to watch with the two of them. I hope this becomes a weekly activity for me as well as Thursdays.

But this isn't supposed to be a post about good things! Back to Ranting!

I have a meeting with my Modernism teacher tomorrow to discuss why an insipid idiot like him gave my paper a D when it does a much better job of discussing class materials than his lectures do. I am going to try my very best to be civil, but I have enough complaints with him that it's going to be excruciatingly difficult, especially while sick. The Brujah side of me is just itching to get out.

Actually, that's as much of a rant as I have. I mean, I could elaborate on any of these points, but I really don't need to. They're pretty self-explanatory. All of my other classes are doing really well, the games I'm a part of are doing nicely, and I'm making great amounts of headway into the social scene. I don't have too terribly much to complain about.

Crazy Weekend (+ Thursday)

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy doing a crazy little social gig, keeping myself precariously balanced on everyone's good sides (except Katie's, but is that really all that surprising? I thought not.)

Wednesday night, just as I had crawled into bed, Ryon texted me an invite to go to the Man Man show at the Canopy Club with special guest Tim Fite. Obviously, if you know me, I was super excited and did not delay one bit in accepting his invitation.

So, after work (and Skyping a little bit with my darling lovie-pie) I went over to Thursdays at Ryon for the first time in a long time. Since I was no longer really having too many problems with anyone, I figured that it would be a good time to test the waters. I was so glad I went. The food was absolutely delicious and amazing. Sam made mini chicken/bacon/green pepper/onion skewers, Jenn made biscuits that tasted identical to the biscuits at Red Lobster, and Uhl made homemade apple sauce. Everything was super delicious. I haven't had such good apple sauce since I used to eat it at Grandma Eberheart's place.

Before the movie started up, Ryon and I left and walked over to the Canopy Club. I had already bought tickets online and printed them out, but Ryon still needed to get tickets at the door. In retrospect, I should have bought them at the door as well, but I prefer to be prepared, even at extra cost.


The show was supposed to start at 9:30, but didn't atually start until closer to 10-10:30. Tim Fite was the first on stage and Ryon and I got close up to the front to watch and actually become part of the show. It was really amazing. The songs inspired insanity and were fun and catchy and the images helped me think of plot for my tabletop game. If you ever get the chance to see Tim Fite in concert, do it. I bought one of his cds, but the music really isn't anything terribly special without the entire experience which is completely worth the cost and trouble of going out to see him.

Man Man, however, was not as good. The music was energetic and really got me moving, but it was overcomplicated and much too loud, turning it into indistinguishable noise which is unfortunate, considering how interesting their instruments are. Seriously, that was the most instruments I've ever seen played at once by five or six people.

After the concert, Ryon and I stumbled back to his place and we found delicious pie that was made by Colleen. Exhausted as I was, I decided to stay, have a piece of pie, and watch a little Bullshit before walking back to my place even though it was already 1:30 in the morning. (I'm glad I stayed because I got out to Lincoln just in time to catch my bus.)

Friday was Larp and it was one of the most disappointing Larps of this year. Up until this point, they had been very good and I felt really involved. This Friday's Larp just seemed to drag on and on without me able to pursue any of my own plots.

Going to Steak n Shake afterwards was really good though. I sat with Lee, Amish Jon, and Jenn and bitched about certain things going on in the Larp. It was really cathartic and I'm really feeling much more like part of the group again.

Saturday, I started out the day with the single intent to do nothing but sit on my ass and play Disgaea. This did not last, however. Renny was feeling less than well, so we talked for a little while and while we were doing so, I got a surprising IM from Uhl, asking me if I wanted to get lunch so that she could extend an olive branch. I had already eaten, but was eager to make peace with Uhl one way or another and knew I shouldn't pass up this opportunity, so I apologized to Renny and went off and got dressed up spiffy as possible to go meet with Uhl for lunch.

She picked me up around 2 and we went over to the mall to have Panda Express. For the mostpart, the conversation went really well as we had small talk and talked a lot about work and such. Toward the end of the conversation though, she brought up the situation with Zack, just as I had expected her to. I did my best to explain things truthfully while not offending her or making her mad at Zack or I. Trust me, that was one exercise in knife dancing that I'd rather not have to do again. Even so, I think I came out okay.

After that, I went home and skyped a little more with Renny to see how she was feeling and to let her know that things were better here than what they have been for a long time. Renny then decided that she should be good and rest up some, so I went back to playing Disgaea a little. I swear that i didn't get more than a half-hour in before Lynley and Jaden came home and we all went out to Arby's then the Metagamers meeting.

The Metagamers meeting plus game night was long and trying. There is this guy who plays games with us named Carl who I want to beat up more often than not. I dislike him more than stuko at my work, and that says a lot. He really brings down the fun of games to close to nothing.

I met some of Matt Wetherbee's friends and had a long, fucked up conversation with one of them where I was trying to look entertained and attentive while my insides were screaming. A while into our conversation, the Carpé Noctem social group came in with sandwiches from Fats. (Yes, they are as disgustingly compiled as they sound. Just thinking about them makes me want to vomit.)

Well, Matt Delingher called me over after a bit and we discussed things about larp and such like that, another thing that made me feel so much more integrated in the group than I have in a super long time. Talking about the Larp was so much more entertaining than being in the Larp this past Friday. At least while talking about it, you don't have to wait around for an ST.

Zack came down from his Call of Cthulu game and we talked a little bit about things and I made sure he got how serious I was about the special instructions that I gave him. A little while later, Lynley and her group that was playing games decided that it was time to go to Steak n Shake, but Jenn and Ryon pulled me off to the side of the room before I got a chance to go and inquired about the lunch with Uhl. I'm glad they did because it shows that someone knows what sort of position I'm in and actually understands what's going on for once. After feeling like the bad guy all of the time, it was nice to see people trusting me and concerned about me.

I told them that everything was cool and gave Jenn a quick breakdown on what I told Uhl regarding Zack as well as the background behind it all that I knew at the time. She seemed to understand and agree with me that Zack had problems with women and that it was wise to discourage the romantic interest of Uhl because it would be dangerous for the both of them (not to mention the rest of it if it blew up in a similar way to other situations.)

Minus the Carpé Noctem group, we all went over to Steak n Shake just to find it all packed by what I believe to be the Korean Church Group. We decided to not push our luck or to burden the sole waitress and went over to Perkin's instead where we were treated very special, du to our frequency of visits.

Uhl showed up after we had been waiting for a hort while and it was negotiated purely by luck for her to sit across from Zack and I. I was worried, but also pleased that it happened as it allowed me to prove without trying that neither Zack nor I had any ill will towards her and that Zack was not intentionally ignoring her whatsoever. The conversation went extremely well, so I have a feeling that things are much better now. It is still possible that Uhl's paranoia will cause her to think that I put Zack up to being nice to her (which isn't too far from reality, with one important difference; I was checking to make sure that Zack wasn't ignoring her, not asking him to be nice to her), but that's not too horrible of a thing to be accused of.

Today, I actually managed to spend a good portion of the day in bed before having to get up and do some chores and help with lunch. By the time I finished all of that, it was pretty much time for work, but Lynley let me borrow her car tonight, so I didn't mind.

All in all, it's been a pretty crazy weekend, doing crazy social gymnastics. I can't wait to see the fun we will have next weekend when Katie comes into town. Will we be able to survive the weekend if we happen to be in one another's presence? Will we have another one of our Big Talks? Will the War between us rage stronger or will we come to a temporary truce?

Check out next week's episode of Ishmael's Dance, "War Dance" for all, some, or maybe none of these answers and more!

I've decided to skip my FSHN class today. It was less of a decision and more of a realization that I'd probably miss my bus anyway even if I hurried, but whatever. I have things I could be doing here anyway like homework or creating NPCs for my tabletop game. I've actually got quite a few of them in my head now which used to always be a problem. However, this game just seems to be writing itself. I'm so happy.

I still have a paper and a bunch of reading that I have to do for tomorrow, but as per usual, I just don't want to do it. I hate so many of my classes this semester for different reasons. My FSHN class is inanely stupid, history is standard history (which means a lot of reading and memorizing which I hate), British Modernism's teacher tries to hard to be clever and fails miserably. I only like my philosophy course marginally and finding out how I did on my paper and exam will determine whether I like it or hate it. I love my grammar class because it's something I'm good at and our teacher is amazing, but the students in that class have a tendency to frustrate me.

Just heard from Spencer that Colleen and Mike are going out. Whether it is or isn't official isn't known at this time, but it's not like it matters. What matters is that I called it when I was drunk and talking to them at my party. I tell you, I know things. I pick up the signals all around me and use my insanity to piece them together. It's like a permanent Eyes of Chaos. Now if they would have just not beat around the bush and caused such a hassle to me, it would've been wonderful. Whatever, they sound happy and that's what matters. Hopefully things work out as well as they seemed to in my vision. I've been waiting for something really nice to happen in this way for both Colleen and Mike.

Spencer is probably going to be starting up a Scion game which should be interesting. I've never heard of it before, but Spencer tells me that it's a game in which you play the children of Gods. Seems like an interesting concept and an interesting group of players, so I'm going to try it out if timing works out. If he wants to start it up this semester, I'll only be able to play on either Thursdays, Saturdays, or Sundays so I worry about the timing, but I hope it works out.

Nothing more really to say (or rather, say publicly). I want to talk about my plans for the upcoming tabletop games, but since it is conceivable (however unlikely) that my players could be reading this blog, I don't want to spoil the surprises. However, if you are interested, feel free to ask me about it personally because I'm just bursting with enthusiasm.

Vampire Night Two Summary

So, you may know that Mike (yes, I'm actually calling him Mike instead of Sal, mainly because he's becoming a really good friend of mine, but hasn't earn an affectionate nickname yet) writes up incredibly entertaining summaries of all of games he's in. Well, he wrote up what I consider to be a particularly good one last night. Here it is.

One Year

Well, believe it or not, Renny and I have made it a whole year together as of today. (Not sure why you wouldn't believe it though, people complained that we were together too much as it was :p) Unfortunately, we aren't able to celebrate together right now since she's all the way in Scotland, but I'm not as upset about that as I would have been with some of my previous relationships. Don't get me wrong, I really wish I could celebrate with her today, but I don't have any worries about being able to celebrate it later with her. After all, every day that I've been with her so far has been a celebration of life and our love for each other and I really don't see why it should change.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from celebrating in the slightest today. I am determined to have a great day. I've just come back from my grammar class in which we had a quiz and I did some amateur architecture on a handout given to us. I just threw in some laundry and plan to jump in the shower before too long. Then I think I'll skip FSHN 120 since it's going to be a post exam review and drop in to work to close some cases that have been festering for close to a month now while getting paid for a few extra hours. After that I'm going to hop the bus home and get prepared to play Vampire with the guys. It should be a good game tonight with things for the players to actually do since one of the other players decided to leave for the weekend.

Okay, so a missing player usually isn't cause for celebration, but in this case, it is. The game was going kind of slow last time, but with John gone, that means I can use his character to thrust the plot forward unbelievably and give the players a nice sense of urgency. It probably won't work as well as I would hope, but we'll see. No matter what, it should be fun nonetheless.

Anyway, that's all I have to write for now. I just wanted to get something down before I got ready for the rest of my day.

Things I Just Don't Understand

• Why Google AdSense offers Life Insurance on this blog.

Seriously, why? Are my posts that dangerous that Google needs to offer the people that read them life insurance? What word could have possibly set off the robots to say, "we really think that the readers of this blog are interested in buying life insurance." If anything, it should think my readers are possibly religious, political, or into music - not life insurance. Of course now that I've mentioned life insurance in this post five times already, that will just cement the life insurance ads.

• Why more people don't make money with their blogs if they already blog.

There really is nothing simpler. Sure, you don't make much unless you're actively marketing yourself, but it's still money that you wouldn't have otherwise. And here's the beauty of it all: once you set up the account with your information and import the code into your site (a matter of what, fifteen minutes?), you never have to touch the account ever again. You go about your daily business as you always have and maybe in a couple of months (depending on how many people read your blog) a paycheck will arrive in the mail for you from Google for $100+.

• Why the Romance HelpDesk still gets so many hits a day.

This one, I understand a bit more. My articles on attempts to achieve an hour long orgasm in a woman generates quite a bit of interest. However, I don't think that accounts for the 10-20 hits a day I get on that website in comparison to the 2-5 hits (if I'm lucky) that I get on this blog and The Screaming Eye. Okay, so I'm not talking about hour long orgasms, but I would like to imagine that my content is somewhat interesting sometimes. Besides, I have over thirty posts on this blog and over fifty on The Screaming Eye. That should count for something compared to the eight I have on the Romance HelpDesk. Stupid sex-driven public.

• Why my English 441 Teacher Can't Teach a Goddamn Thing to Save his Life

I'm doing something about this one. I am paying to much to this University to not be taught anything in one of my classes. He can take all of his uh's and um's and shove them up his wirey little ass. And if he doesn't, I'm probably going to shove the Caliph's Design up there. The books we read probably wouldn't be half as idiotic if he bothered to teach us things about them such as the context that they were written in, clarifications on what they were written about, or anything at all. We are left floundering in his class, gasping for whatever it is that he intends to teach us and I'm fucking tired of it.

Those were some things that just perplex me and have been on my mind for the past few days. Now I'm going to go to English and try not to punch my teacher in the face.

Pointless

I think I've discovered part of the reason that I keep not doing my homework like I should. I was just reading the Caliph's Design for my British Modernism class and the more I read it, the angrier I got - not because of the content, but because of the class. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be learning in that class what so ever. The teacher doesn't teach so much as ask us questions that are abstract and sit around letting us figure out an intelligible answer while he just tells us that we're wrong or almost right. Quite often, he will let us travel down the discussion path of a conclusion that he considers wrong for fifteen minutes and then tell us that the truth is the complete opposite. Everything we're doing in class, I could do sitting at home in my living room if I was told what books to read and given time to think about them. I can't stand this. I think I'm going to bring this up with the teacher today because I think he's full of shit and I'm not paying so much goddamn money to be taught shit.

At least all of my other classes actually objectively teach me something, even if I have a problem with them as well.

Senior Year Charm

I really think that there's something mystical about the last year in an institution that causes amazing things to happen. Either that or my luck just has a thing about storing itself up until it overflows. Either way, I've got a pretty great feeling about this year.

After fighting for every last inch of social turf over the past three years, it feels incredibly odd to be handed three feet of it within the last week. I've been respected more, I've got my own little group, I'm navigating the social iceflows easily, and for once I actually know what to say when talking with people. If that wasn't amazing enough, I've also been inspired to write and it came easily to me instead of being fraught with suffering.

Of course, things aren't all turning up roses, but that is how life goes and it would be unfair otherwise. It's torture to have Renny so far away from me, especially when I know that she could use a hug from me, leaving me powerless to do anything about it. Besides that, working so much between school and my job is rough, but on the upside I'm hearing rumors of significant raises in the future, not to mention a possible promotion. On top of that, talking to Jon revealed that my efforts have been noticed and I've been marked as a possible caree man. Jon also leaked hints as to just how comfy a salary position at CITES could be. It may sound stupid to some of you, but I'm starting to think more and more that this might be something that I'm interested in doing. We'll just have to see where things lead, I guess.

Anyway, it's been a rough and long day, so I'm considering going to bed in the near future.

A Poem in Frustration

Never have I felt so impotent
As I feel just now.
My love lies across the ocean,
Soaked deep in mourning.
Never have my arms felt so far away,
My embrace so cold,
My power so empty.

And We Will Watch

Matt took a long drag on his joint and laid his head against the back of the leather chair that he had collapsed in, examining the cracks on the ceiling absently. He slowly let the smoke out from his mouth and it traced patterns in the air, mirroring the cracks above. "The whole world is going to hell, man."

Brushing a couple of stray dust colored strands of hair away from his eyes, Chris looked out the window into the downpour the obscured the street outside. "Yup, the whole world and us with it." He sighed deeply and pushed himself away from the dreary damp grey world and turned towards Matt. "What are we going to do about it?"

Another curl of smoke escaped Matt's lips and dissipated into the ether. "Nothing. Nothing at all. We're going to sit here, watching it burn." He closed his eyes and imagined his past slowly burning, the elementary school where his teacher beat him for asking questions he couldn't answer, the church that scorned him for questioning the reality of God, the girlfriend who cheated on him with the football team and then dumped him because he "thought too much." All burned to a cinder and became ashes, falling white as snow.

"We can't just watch it burn." Chris flopped down onto the matching leather couch across from Matt. "We have to do something. People will die." He turned and watched Matt blow smoke rings towards the great chandelier that hung far above them, adding a mystical and ancient sort of grace to the room that was long forgotten.

"So? Let them. What concern is it of ours?" Matt opened his eyes and looked at Chris laying on the couch and staring back at him, his gaunt frame seeming like and accusing skeleton in the dim light. "Look, you go brood or whatever you do when the world starts burning, I'm going to watch and light my joint on its ashes."

Sighing, Chris looked up at the ceiling and grimaced. "I don't get you, man. You're possibly the smartest person I know, yet you just don't give a shit. All you do is get baked and live off your inheritance. You could have made a difference. A real difference, man."

"What's the point?" Matt reached over and put out the butt of his joint in the crystal ashtray on the endtable next to him. "The world is going to hell anyway. Any difference that I make won't matter in a week, a month, a year, or whenever it finally happens."

Chris sat up and looked Matt in the eyes. Despite how relaxed his body looked, there was no hiding the passion, anger, and flashing brilliance that lit up Matt's eyes. His body may be calm and relaxed, but his soul was in a fury, lashing out against a world that he hated. He wasn't just passively waiting for the world to burn, he was anticipating it with glee; he was depending on it. "But you could have made a difference, could have stopped it from happening. I know you know it; I can see it in your eyes. You're just selfish, thinking only of yourself."

The rain was getting heavier and a few bolts of lightning struck in the distance, setting off a low rumble of thunder. Matt looked away from Chris and out the window, staring off into space, frowning, but quiet. Chris stood up and walked to the door, turning back as he opened it to leave. "Whatever, I'm done with you. I don't need this. Have fun getting baked, asshole."

Inspired

I'm sitting in the English Lab this morning, buzzed out of my head on an Extra Large can of Monster Khaos, listening to Machine Head on Pandora and I am feeling so amazingly inspired. I really think that the concert this weekend had lingering effects of awesomeness. I feel so freaking blitzed and have a million different images floating through my head. I might even write some of them down.

Took four quizzes on Compass this morning for FSHN 120 without having read any of the material for them. Still got 37/40 on them. Go figure. That class is the best Biology replacement class that I could imagine. Told Ryon about it and I think he might take it next semester, so I'm going to save the book for him. He won't need it, but if you can get it for free, why not, right?

Dude, I just saw that Titus Andronicus is this weekend! I so wanted to be in it because John was directing it, but he dropped that for Okfest, so I didn't worry about it. I should still go see it though, I love that play. Anyone want to come with at 7:30 on Saturday?

Chicken Grease and Day Old Pudding

Remember that show that Ryon invited me to go to with him? Well, we went last night (just the two of us) and it was a blast! The main band playing was Southern Culture on the Skids which is a small trashabilly band, I believe. It was the first I ever heard their music and it was so awesome. I don't think that they are the type of band I could listen to a cd of and enjoy though. The live experience is really needed for a band this awesome.

To give you an illustration of what I mean, they have one song called "Day Old Banana Pudding" in which a fan got up on stage and started distributing some homemade day old banana pudding to the band and the crowd. In one of their closing songs, they started throwing KFC chicken out into the crowd. I have never been so happy to be covered in chicken grease.

Besides the sheer awesomeness of the show itself, it was really great to hang out with Ryon and be bonded by a thread of common interest for a change. He seemed to really enjoy how much I was getting into the music and I absolutely loved having his company. All in all, the bonding experience was great and I hope that he starts inviting me out to more shows now that he knows that I get such a thrill from them. Even if he doesn't, I might start making changes to my budget so I can make more shows and actually research who is going to be playing. Man, this is just a repeat of high school - not getting into the music scene until my Senior year. Luckily, this Senior year doesn't have to end since I'm not moving out of the area.

Ryon and I talked quite a bit about my policies on Thursdays and the situation with our social scene. He told me that I'm welcome back to Thursdays at any time and although I'd like to come back, I'm still a bit hesitant, though much less than I was before. Colleen actually approached me under her own initiative at Perkins after the larp and talked to me about me avoiding her which I didn't expect at all. She said that although we'll never be buddy-buddy with one another, that there's no reason we can't be civil towards one another and maintain civil company. I have to admit, she's absolutely right about that. I'm still not comfortable around her, but it's nice to know that she doesn't find it impossible to be near me.

The weirder thing that makes me less hesitant to go back to Thursdays is the fact that when I saw Matt on Saturday Night after the show, he was (or seemed rather convincingly) genuinely friendly towards me, bumping fists with me and talking. He actually even invited me out to the movie that they were going to go see. I considered it, but I wanted time to take in this new data and see what other data presented itself before taking any action, so I turned him down for now, but if Matt actually is starting to have less of a problem with me, I might see about hanging out with that crowd again. His hatred and manipulation was the main reason that I started avoiding that group because it was his version of me that became my reputation.

The thing keeping me hesitant though is Uhl. I am not going to beat around the bush; I despise Uhl. She has taken advantage of my kindness and hospitality and then spit on my honor and to me, there is nothing more vile than spitting on a man's honor. It is because of her that I have the reputation of being lusty, underhanded, deceptive, and the type of man that takes advantage of women. If you know me, you know how true that is.

It is true, I was lusty, yearning for a bit of intimacy from someone, pretty much anyone, but that is as much of her story that is true. I had just broken up up with Kristina not too long before the incident and was getting lonely and bored. I figured that I hadn't given in too much to any vice as of late, so I would indulge my desire for closeness. I had intended to indulge with someone I knew decently well to reduce complications while mutually enjoying ourselves. I wasn't ready for any sort of commitment after having come out of a relationship as horrid as the one with Kristina, but I didn't see any harm in fooling around a bit. Well, the couple of girls that I thought would be interested were unavailable, but Sarah was there and a thought occurred to me - she would be going off to France soon and it might be nice for her to have a little closeness before she left. Even if not, it wouldn't hurt to flirt a bit and offer. After all, I was having fun anyway hanging out with her that night. So I enticed her over to the place I was staying and I laid the situation out in front of her and let her make her own decision. I will not say the outcome, but I'm sure you can guess in general terms.

Well, there must have been some miscommunication (I'm not sure how, but I'll give her the benefit of a doubt on that) because as soon as she left, she regretted her decision, saying that she would never had done anything at all without promise of a relationship and that I had swindled that night away. I will admit, I am a thief and a swindler at times, but to be able to swindle something, you have to think of it as a possession to be had and never in my life have I ever treated romance as a dealing in possessions. I have always fancied myself to one of the great worshippers of the female form, offering my praises in the form of affection. (So I have delusions of Grandeur. There are worse delusions to pursue.) So if you have never understood why I am upset with Uhl, I hope it's clear now.

To make matters worse, Ryon informed me that Uhl got the job at CITES and Spencer has been training her. Actually, it was Spencer who got her the interview as well. Work was my last point of solitude, the last place that I had complete control over. I brought Spencer in as a favor to him and to me. Him, the pay, me the loyal company. Of course, if I wanted someone who shared loyalties with me, I probably could've done better than Spencer since he has this annoying habit of mucking things up, but he's a good guy and decent to be around. Maybe I can get one of my newer compatriots a job there as well to even things out a bit. My sanctuary will remain my sanctuary at all costs. Luckily for now, I don't have to worry about it. Uhl works in the mornings and I work only in the evenings.

I apologize about the length of my rant. I didn't intend for this to be a rant at all, but there's something about thinking about things while watching Sweeney Todd that just lends itself to ranting. Then again, I may have started ranting anyway. There is nothing I dislike so strongly as being misrepresented. Hate me all you like, but hate me for something true. Trust me, there's plenty to hate me for without spinning slander. I'll own up to every last thing.

Mood Swings

I've been having mood swings today like all crazy. This morning started out as the most wonderful, beautiful morning in as many days since Renny's been gone and I was all bright and cheerful, but without warning or even the slightest trigger, I quickly shifted through several stages of paranoia, depression, and despair. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I know one thing - I can't trust my emotions today.

Apologies for Being Overly Harsh

I was proven wrong again last night. I knew that I was being overly harsh with my last post, but I was feeling bitter and depressed over the whole affair. That's not an excuse for my words though, and I'm sorry.

Not three hours after I made my post, Ryon texted me and invited me out to a show at the HighDive this weekend. I'm not sure who the band is (or rather, I've never heard their music, nor know what genre their music is), but it should at least give me an opportunity to test the waters again and hang out with Ryon.

I guess the moral of this story is that I shouldn't be so quick to judge all the time. People can still surprise me.

Thursday Again

So, it's Thursday once again and I think that I will spend tonight alone in my apartment. Lynley won't be home until nine when I go to pick her up, but even then it's not likely that we will really hang out, per se.

Of course, when is the last time that I've really hung out with anyone? I mean, in the looser sense, I've hung out with people and we've done stuff, but it's never been the sort of intense hang out sessions that I used to have when I was home.

Even still, Thursdays used to be the night that I would look forward to for the entire week. It was the night when I'd get to go over to Ryon's socialize with people, eat a good meal of interesting food that I helped to create, and just generally unwind. It was nice, even if the people there never really connected with me on a personal level.

I stopped going to Thursdays as major experiment to be able to tell who was really my friend and who didn't actually give a crap about me. I figured that if anyone really cared about me, they'd at least ask what's up, if not try and convince me to come back to Thursdays. So far, only two people have done either of those things and that's Spencer and Jess. I figured that Amish Jon, Jenn, or at least Ryon would, if nothing else, might say something. However, they haven't. Well, I take that back. Jenn has asked me why I stopped coming, but she didn't offer any solace when I told her that I just didn't feel welcome. I don't think any of them are too terribly concerned that I stopped coming.

As for the rest of them, I'll be surprised if they even noticed. I'm certain Uhl noticed since my presence makes her uncomfortable because of what happened between us. I doubt anyone even asked if I was going to show up the past couple of times I haven't shown up.

It really sucks sometimes when your friends prove you right.

Bro Jed

Brother Jed was on campus again today and yesterday. If you don't know who Brother Jed is, he's one of the most well known street preachers still out on streets today. He's often seen with a huge crowd heckling him as his extremist views often ruffle feathers. How extreme? Well, here's one example:

Besides the regular "every college student will burn in hell" views, he also spouts anti-gay, sexist, racist, anti-muslim, radically right wing sentiments. Yes folks, this guy is a real nutjob.

What I don't understand is why he keeps coming to our campus when he obviously only makes a spectacle of himself. He has maybe only one or two supporters and those are very reluctant. Judging by that fact, I find it very difficult to believe that he has actually converted anyone here within the last few years. What a waste of effort.

I told my mother that he was out on campus and she asked me to describe him to her. He was very aptly described as looking identical to the father in American Pie, but instead of giving my mom that reference to look up, I just sent her a picture from off of his website. Apparently, she recognized him as he often stood on the street corner across from where she worked while she was in college at Indiana State. She also said that when he preached there, he wasn't heckled like he was here, he was just blatantly ignored. It sounds as though he was even less effective there than he is here today. Can you imagine that? Working for 20-30 years, preaching the "word of God" and only getting a literal handful of followers? I couldn't abide such a depressing existence.

The way he preaches, you're certain that there is actually something missing in his life, not ours. I've heard that he actually has two daughters, one of which is in college, both of which are incredibly ashamed of him. It makes you wonder what he's actually trying to say when he preaches that all women who go to college are loose whores and prostitutes. This is the guy that preaches that all of our homes are broken. Yeah, I'm sure that he has a perfectly functional home. If his religion really offers such peace, what went wrong with his?

However, what he preaches on the street is nothing compared to the abomination of his website and forum. First off, as a Web Designer hobbyist, the design of his website and forum makes me just vomit. However, I can push past that. The forums are filled with a whole bunch of right-wing nutjobs who can't even agree with themselves. They are hypocritical bigots who can't stand logical reasoning and thinking. Trust me guys, if the Christian God is the God of reason, he is not your God. Needless to say, I've been banned violently from his forums for life.

Apparently, a guy known as acidman to Brother Jed has made several Youtube videos from the past four years of visits that Bro Jed has had to our campus. I haven't looked them up yet, but I plan to as they sound amazing.

Edit: I just went to the brojed.org website for kicks and realized that his bulletin boards are even more fail than I thought. Try reading his boards in Firefox 3. You'll get a kick out of what happens.