A Minor Purpose

Tonight, as I walked to the bus from work holding five Halloween cupcakes and have a two-liter of Coke, I realized something profound. I realized that I feel like I have not felt for many years, back before high school, before I lost my delusions of grandeur. I feel strong. I feel important. I feel proud.

I finally feel like a true individual, living my own life truly independent of any others, with my own dreams and my own desires. I do not want to make it sound as though my relationships with others have become less important because they have not. I have never really held my own individuality in a high position of importance, not even when I was very small. Now though, I see what it means to follow one's dreams.

I feel a little silly because my dreams are not something grandiose like those of other people that I know. I don't wish to put on a huge musical, become famous, or save the Earth. I wouldn't mind such things and I freely help others with those goals, but they aren't my goals. No, mine are quite different and much smaller in scope.

What I would like do do for a while (I'm not sure how long exactly, but it feels like something I could see myself enjoying doing for a very long time) is work at CITES. I really like my job. I don't like being a consultant, dealing with stupid people all of the time, but it has been a long time since I really considered that my job. Even though only a consultant I may be (as neither my raise or promotion seems to have gone through...), I take on the role of an Academic Hourly or a Full-Timer quite often and I really like it. I am a role model for the younger students, someone who they can look to for answers and confide in with problems. The organizational and managerial problems that I face are challenging, but rewarding at the same time, causing me to really feel my potential bubbling up within me. With every little thing I do within CITES, I watch it grow and flux, becoming stronger and better.

No, I don't influence CITES that much, but I do a little bit, and that's enough for me. Even doing so little, I affect dozens of people, subtly making their lives better and I feel that is a truly noble purpose, one that I wish to continue doing. I know that my life situation may change eventually. I know that I may grow frustrated with what I'm doing now and seek out another purpose. I know that I may have to give up my dreams in the future to provide for the good of us all. However, that time is not yet now and I can feel the fury of my passion supporting this cause, making me feel truly alive.

Maybe I'll get lucky and all of the pieces will fall into place, allowing me to continue to do what I love so much. We will see.