Counting Time

It's about one week till I have to move out of my apartment and it is finally starting to hit me. We've got a lot to do and a lot to plan for before we can actually move out, so this is actually a pretty stressful time for me.

It doesn't help that I'm working forty hours a week at my main job, a few hours a week on a volunteer position for the political campaign of Jeff Smith, and a new freelance job that I'll be doing on Thursday. Unfortunately, the amount of work I'm putting in is necessary if I am to be able to pay for the next few weeks. Moving out and back in is actually fairly expensive, especially with a family reunion and three-week vacation where I can't work in the middle.

Of course, I guess I could give up the position I have on Jeff Smith's campaign, but I really don't want to let him down. Things are already difficult enough for him as they are without me bailing on him. I feel like he's in a good position right now that if anyone wanted to make changes to his website, they could do that without a problem and make it look pretty professional. Hell, if they just got a new logo and a better banner, I think their work would be cut out for them.

I'm excited for the freelance job though. I've been trying to break into freelance work for quite a while, so this is a pretty big break. I've been hired through Craigslist to tutor someone on html and css. Normally, I'd rather just make the website myself as it pays more for less effort, but work is work and I need the cash. Besides, as always, if I do a good job word of mouth will pay off. I figure that since I have a stable job, now is the time to network.

Tastes Like Evil

Even though I had a huge day ahead of me filled with papers and homework when I reluctantly woke up this morning, it all fizzled to naught by noon. I guess that's a good thing, but now I'm sitting in the English building, sipping a huge can of sugar-free RedBull, with nothing to do. If I knew things were going to work out this way, I would have brought my World of Darkness corebook to read. (Of course, if I had brought it, all hell would have broke loose and I would never have had time to read it.)

I watched three seasons of Red vs. Blue over the past two nights with Jaden and Lynley. That really brought back old memories. Unfortunately, those days are truly dead and gone and never to return, as they say. All I can hope for is to build something new with some of the qualities if the past. I'm working on it. It's a slow process. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was the Family.

Speaking of which, I talked to my parents more about buying a house. They said that I should expect to buy a house that costs twice my yearly salary. Well, if that's my limit, I can afford to live in a car. I guess I'll have to wait till after next year to buy a house if I can even afford one by then. Since a low-end house here costs something close to a hundred grand, it may be a while before I can afford a real house. I was really hoping to buy a house soon, so I'm a little disappointed.

Just talked with Professor Rubins about doing independent study with him. I decided that since I wasn't sure that I would be able to devote as much time to the class as I wanted to, I wouldn't take the official class, but I'd still take the additional time to write and try and get something publishable by the end of the semester. Professor Rubins said that he was more than willing to help and would be willing to look over work that I did. Now, just to push myself to do some actual work.

I still haven't done anything for NaNoWriMo and this month is almost over. I don't know whether it is the amount of other work that I'm doing, writer's block, or just the distaste of doing something that millions of other people are doing, but I just can't seem to get started. I think it may have to do with the fact that I feel a book is something that you should pour over, scour very carefully, and devote a large portion of your time to instead of just writing as fast as you can to pump out crap. However, NaNoWriMo is a good writing exercise and I know it. I really should be doing it.

Anyway, off to class to turn in a proposal that will most likely be rejected.

Tiny Post

Haven't posted a real post in a while, partly because I was busy doing other things like shooping. I've really been enjoying doing photo manipulations, even if some other people are less than enthused about me putting the King into the background of their pictures. After all, it gives me great pleasure and a little bit of experience with different techniques. Besides, it's gotten the attention of a few people who are appreciative of my talents and who have asked me to do some things for them. It also gives me a reason to hang out with Katie more which is exciting, I won't lie.

Man, I'm too tired to create a real post. Maybe I'll post more when I have more energy.

Apathy

Normally I hate these things, but Ryon's really made me laugh, so I'm copying it from him.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button.
As per usual there will be a few funny ones. I'm going to go ahead and bold my favorites.

1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say:
International Killer

2. What would best describe your personality?
Chemical Warfare

3. What do you like in a dude or dudette?
Welcome

4. How you feelin' today?
No Life

5. What, exactly, is your purpose in life?
Jesus Antichristus (recently deceased mix)

6. What is your motto?
Fatalist

7. What do your friends think of you?
All Revved Up With No Place to Go

8. What do you think about frequently?
Warriors of Destiny

9. 2+2=?
What a Day

10. What do you think of the person you like?
Feel So Numb

11. What is your life story?
Missing Link

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Jesus Online

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Nothingness

14. What do your parents think of you?
Devil's Path 2000 (apt...)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Evacuate

16. What will they play at your funeral?
Epicentre

17. What is your hobby or interest?
Before I forget

18. What is your biggest secret?
Towards the End

19. What do you think of your friends?
Your Pilot

20. What's the worst thing that could happen?
The Beginning of the End

21. How will you die?
Sin in Numbers

22. What's the one thing you regret?
Tell me Why

23. What makes you laugh?
Hang Him Higher

24. What makes you cry?
Mistakes

25. Will you ever get married?
State of Emergency (I guess that means no...?)

26. What scares you the most?
Futile

27. Does anyone like you?
Pay Off

28. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Beloved (Grey Down Version)

29. What hurts right now?
Endless Light

30. What will you post this as?
Apathy

Wow, I have a very apocalyptic and pessimistic iTunes...

Intentions vs. Results

I've been toying with the idea of writing an entry for today and even had an idea of what I wanted to write, but that idea has somehow escaped me. Therefore, I guess whatever I write here will be fairly random.

Finally mailed off my letters to Canada, but ran out of stamps so I'm going to have to postpone my letter to Scotland until I get some more. I really want to get that letter out by Friday so I can feel like I finally did something important.

Went to my first class and discovered that I needed to have a paper topic to the teacher by tomorrow for our big research paper. I didn't even know that we had a big research paper, so I was quite surprised, to say the least.

Decided to skip my second class to actually read the material for the class, but ended up cleaning up the apartment and doing photo manips instead, shown here.

From this:
I made these:


From this:


I made this:


Overall, they're nothing special, but I had fun making them. In fact, I was having so much fun with them that I forgot to eat lunch. I quickly remedied that before writing this post by downing some chips and salsa.

I was planning to go to my third class, but remembered that it was canceled and signed up to do an extra work shift, only partly because Spencer wanted to talk to me in person about Larp. I could use the extra money anyway. I plan on taking the book to my second class of the day and doing the work that I didn't do earlier. Maybe I'll remember what else I was going to post on and make another post for today.

Ill

I feel so terribly sick right now. I'm having violent and erratic mood swings that don't make much sense, I feel like I'm going to vomit all of the time, and my face feels incredibly warm. I'm reminded very much of Alex's illness in the Clockwork Orange. It helps that I have been feeling like I'm going to snuff it for a while now. If I didn't know that the cause of this sickness was just emotional distress of some sort from a really rough, intense weekend, I would think that I was horribly diseased. However, the thing that proves that it is an emotional sickness and not a real illness is because there are times that I feel great and on top of the world which come as often as the intense stomach pain and need to vomit sensation.

If this gets to be too much, I may have to enact the Dunning Principle.

Weird Night

This probably won't seem weird to anyone but myself, but I wanted to post it anyway just because I thought it was.

My weird night started out as I was walking down the hall towards the exit of DCL after work. A guy was standing there in a sporty biker jacket, carrying a biker helmet, and we looked at each other at the same time. He walks up to me and the following conversation ensued:

Biker Guy: Patrick?
Me: Why, yes.
Biker Guy (pulling an iClicker from his jacket): iClicker?
Me (Raising an Eyebrow): Uh..?
Biker Guy: I'm supposed to be meeting a Patrick who wanted to buy an iClicker.
Me: Well, you're half right...

It was just so odd and so ironic that he was looking for someone with the same name as me and I happened to be just there at that time and pretty much one of the only people there that we stood stunned for a little while remarking on just how ironic it was.

Then I took off and made my way over to Ryon's to find out that Heroes was canceled in order to do the SNL Presidential bash. I stayed for a while to watch SNL with Sam and eat my Calzones. All of a sudden, Spencer comes in without saying anything to anyone, slams the front door, storms off to his room, and slams that door. It was such a nonsequitor that I really didn't know what to say other than to ask Ryon if that happened often.

Eventually, I made it home to the apartment where I found the living room light on, but Lynley and her car gone. (That's a fairly common occurance since she has two group projects all of the time.) On my computer I found a massive stack of mail for me and started going through it. A lot of it was election stuff that I threw away, but there happened to be four letters that stuck out, two of which had been postmarked with "Support Mental Health" in English and French.


Right away, I knew who the letters were from before I had even looked. Devin had asked for my mailing address a while ago, so I figured that it was from Steph and him. The only thing I couldn't figure out was why there were four of them.

I opened the letters (three from Steph, one from Devin) to find some incredibly artistic, but confusing letters to me, each with a gift inside. There was two anime cutouts from something or other, a stack of Canadian coins, a Pokéman card, and a check for ten dollars in total. The best that I can gather, Steph got a promotion at her job (she works tech support just like me, but in the private sector and for a lot more money. Stupid Canadians not requiring a college degree for awesome jobs.) and she was celebrating that and Samhain by sending me letters and trinkets.



I tell you, ending your day with letters from some of your best friends who live a whole country away is a really good way to end your day and your weird evening, even if they make it more weird.

Now maybe to have some cocoa and rest.

A Minor Purpose

Tonight, as I walked to the bus from work holding five Halloween cupcakes and have a two-liter of Coke, I realized something profound. I realized that I feel like I have not felt for many years, back before high school, before I lost my delusions of grandeur. I feel strong. I feel important. I feel proud.

I finally feel like a true individual, living my own life truly independent of any others, with my own dreams and my own desires. I do not want to make it sound as though my relationships with others have become less important because they have not. I have never really held my own individuality in a high position of importance, not even when I was very small. Now though, I see what it means to follow one's dreams.

I feel a little silly because my dreams are not something grandiose like those of other people that I know. I don't wish to put on a huge musical, become famous, or save the Earth. I wouldn't mind such things and I freely help others with those goals, but they aren't my goals. No, mine are quite different and much smaller in scope.

What I would like do do for a while (I'm not sure how long exactly, but it feels like something I could see myself enjoying doing for a very long time) is work at CITES. I really like my job. I don't like being a consultant, dealing with stupid people all of the time, but it has been a long time since I really considered that my job. Even though only a consultant I may be (as neither my raise or promotion seems to have gone through...), I take on the role of an Academic Hourly or a Full-Timer quite often and I really like it. I am a role model for the younger students, someone who they can look to for answers and confide in with problems. The organizational and managerial problems that I face are challenging, but rewarding at the same time, causing me to really feel my potential bubbling up within me. With every little thing I do within CITES, I watch it grow and flux, becoming stronger and better.

No, I don't influence CITES that much, but I do a little bit, and that's enough for me. Even doing so little, I affect dozens of people, subtly making their lives better and I feel that is a truly noble purpose, one that I wish to continue doing. I know that my life situation may change eventually. I know that I may grow frustrated with what I'm doing now and seek out another purpose. I know that I may have to give up my dreams in the future to provide for the good of us all. However, that time is not yet now and I can feel the fury of my passion supporting this cause, making me feel truly alive.

Maybe I'll get lucky and all of the pieces will fall into place, allowing me to continue to do what I love so much. We will see.

I realize that three posts in so many hours is quite excessive, but I also realize that most probably no one reads this anyway, so it shouldn't matter all that much. I'm just humming with energy and can't quite focus it on any of the things that I'm supposed to be doing such as reading one of my two books sitting in my pockets for my British Modernism class or writing/revising the story I posted on Facebook.

I think I may actually save that for next month which just happens to be National Novel Writing Month. Unlike in days past where inspiration just kind of peters out in my head and I end up writing myself into a corner, I have plenty of ideas in my head - almost too many. However, with all of the work I've been doing lately, I've been feeling too congested to just let it flow. If other people cared more, I could probably keep writing it despite the congestion, but it's not their job to care, it's mine to write despite other people.

Thinking about all of this British Modernism crap has caused me to think a lot about my writing. It hasn't helped me craft at all and I still think that arguing about Literature analysis is pointless, arrogant, and stupid, but some of the individual topics have struck a cord in me. Kelly, I'm sure you'd be proud of yourself. I still feel antagonistic towards the material just on principle as I still believe literature analysis to be rape most foul, violating the work and the author alike, but I no longer feel antagonistic towards you.

From my first experiences with this class, I felt that if a class were to hook me and keep me interested, it would not be this one. However, through the extreme antagonism and violent fights that it's caused, it has grabbed a hold on me and practically beat me into submission. I feel like its quickly becoming my goal to grab it back and render my superiority over it. Even if I come out of that class with a less than decent grade, I will understand the material.

The book that we are reading right now (or rather, supposed to have had read for last Thursday) has really got its claws in me for better or for worse. It's a compilation on three novellas, The Fox, The Captain's Doll, and The Ladybird, all with the explicit theme that can be summed up as love and emotion are evil and we should deny them to refrain from being hurt. Usually, when reading something that I get really into, I take up the personality of one of the main characters in the text and am inflicted with their personalities. Thankfully, this is not the case this time. Although I have noticed a decline in my sex drive, I think no less of love. Instead, I feel that I am becoming harmonized with the novellas themselves, with the Art that they are a part of. I feel that my writing shows this as do my musings. I can't explain any further, but let me say that I finally understand what it means to say that you want to capture something before it is anything. I am driven for the same, but held back by the very same impulse. Almost as if I am a puppet held by the strings of this Art, ready for action, but waiting for the right time.

Something isn't complete within me though. Every time I think about this particular thing, my brow furrows and I feel as if my soul is under construction. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, the construction to be finished.

I know, however, that what I write, no matter how influenced by works of British Modernism, will never be termed Modernism. Not because of the time period within which I live because I feel that Eysteinsson is right to argue that Modernism in itself has no time period (though I'm still trying to determine exactly what Modernism is), but because it follows strict formalism. If there's anything I can't deal with, it's formalism. How can you expect to have something truly pure if you allow it to be contrived in a such a way, no matter how organic?

I need to run so that I can get filled with caffeine before my next class, so I will hold off on my ponderings for now.

Physical Contact

The bus that picked us up this morning was a single, instead of the double that usually comes. Since even the double is usually crowded, that means that we were packed in like sardines and I was acutely aware of the people around me. The bus ride was extra long due to construction, so I had quite a bit of time to think on the way to class.

I realized there, standing shoulder to shoulder with the anonymous individuals on the bus, that the only direct physical contact I receive is through brushing up against people on accident in a crowded bus. The lurching of the bus controls my movements and therefore controls how much contact I have every day. It's strange to have a bus control such a powerful thing in one's life as physical contact with other people.

It's no wonder I seldom feel human.

Let's Have Ourselves a Rant

Ugh, my head is killing me. I don't have a headache, but I can feel my sinus problems developing. I always hate this point because my sinuses just tingle and annoy me and I know that there's nothing I can do to solve it. Not to mention the fact that this means that I will have more advanced sinus problems for at least a week...

Both my parents decided to bail on me for this weekend and now it's only my grandparents coming up to visit me. What the fuck do I do now? At least with my parents coming up, they would take charge of activities and whatnot and I wouldn't be left to entertain. Now I have to find something for my grandparents to do that they will enjoy which is nigh impossible. Most likely they'll want to just sit around my apartment and talk with me (read: complain about shit). I can't think of a worse way to spend my Saturday...

...except maybe to spend it with the one person that I'm constantly fighting with, Katie. Wait, what's that? She's going to be down this weekend? Well, sh*t.

Actually, though I'm not on particularly good terms with Katie, I have been looking forward to her return to see if I get invited to a party over at the Narnia House. I feel that's probably the easiest way to tell if I actually have been incorporated back into the group as it seems. It won't dramatically change anything, but it is something that I've been wanting to know.

Speaking of a return to the group, I have been hanging out with people more often. This past Monday, I went and watched Heroes after work with Ryon and Jon. It was one of the best episodes that I've ever seen and was so wonderful to watch with the two of them. I hope this becomes a weekly activity for me as well as Thursdays.

But this isn't supposed to be a post about good things! Back to Ranting!

I have a meeting with my Modernism teacher tomorrow to discuss why an insipid idiot like him gave my paper a D when it does a much better job of discussing class materials than his lectures do. I am going to try my very best to be civil, but I have enough complaints with him that it's going to be excruciatingly difficult, especially while sick. The Brujah side of me is just itching to get out.

Actually, that's as much of a rant as I have. I mean, I could elaborate on any of these points, but I really don't need to. They're pretty self-explanatory. All of my other classes are doing really well, the games I'm a part of are doing nicely, and I'm making great amounts of headway into the social scene. I don't have too terribly much to complain about.

I've decided to skip my FSHN class today. It was less of a decision and more of a realization that I'd probably miss my bus anyway even if I hurried, but whatever. I have things I could be doing here anyway like homework or creating NPCs for my tabletop game. I've actually got quite a few of them in my head now which used to always be a problem. However, this game just seems to be writing itself. I'm so happy.

I still have a paper and a bunch of reading that I have to do for tomorrow, but as per usual, I just don't want to do it. I hate so many of my classes this semester for different reasons. My FSHN class is inanely stupid, history is standard history (which means a lot of reading and memorizing which I hate), British Modernism's teacher tries to hard to be clever and fails miserably. I only like my philosophy course marginally and finding out how I did on my paper and exam will determine whether I like it or hate it. I love my grammar class because it's something I'm good at and our teacher is amazing, but the students in that class have a tendency to frustrate me.

Just heard from Spencer that Colleen and Mike are going out. Whether it is or isn't official isn't known at this time, but it's not like it matters. What matters is that I called it when I was drunk and talking to them at my party. I tell you, I know things. I pick up the signals all around me and use my insanity to piece them together. It's like a permanent Eyes of Chaos. Now if they would have just not beat around the bush and caused such a hassle to me, it would've been wonderful. Whatever, they sound happy and that's what matters. Hopefully things work out as well as they seemed to in my vision. I've been waiting for something really nice to happen in this way for both Colleen and Mike.

Spencer is probably going to be starting up a Scion game which should be interesting. I've never heard of it before, but Spencer tells me that it's a game in which you play the children of Gods. Seems like an interesting concept and an interesting group of players, so I'm going to try it out if timing works out. If he wants to start it up this semester, I'll only be able to play on either Thursdays, Saturdays, or Sundays so I worry about the timing, but I hope it works out.

Nothing more really to say (or rather, say publicly). I want to talk about my plans for the upcoming tabletop games, but since it is conceivable (however unlikely) that my players could be reading this blog, I don't want to spoil the surprises. However, if you are interested, feel free to ask me about it personally because I'm just bursting with enthusiasm.

One Year

Well, believe it or not, Renny and I have made it a whole year together as of today. (Not sure why you wouldn't believe it though, people complained that we were together too much as it was :p) Unfortunately, we aren't able to celebrate together right now since she's all the way in Scotland, but I'm not as upset about that as I would have been with some of my previous relationships. Don't get me wrong, I really wish I could celebrate with her today, but I don't have any worries about being able to celebrate it later with her. After all, every day that I've been with her so far has been a celebration of life and our love for each other and I really don't see why it should change.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from celebrating in the slightest today. I am determined to have a great day. I've just come back from my grammar class in which we had a quiz and I did some amateur architecture on a handout given to us. I just threw in some laundry and plan to jump in the shower before too long. Then I think I'll skip FSHN 120 since it's going to be a post exam review and drop in to work to close some cases that have been festering for close to a month now while getting paid for a few extra hours. After that I'm going to hop the bus home and get prepared to play Vampire with the guys. It should be a good game tonight with things for the players to actually do since one of the other players decided to leave for the weekend.

Okay, so a missing player usually isn't cause for celebration, but in this case, it is. The game was going kind of slow last time, but with John gone, that means I can use his character to thrust the plot forward unbelievably and give the players a nice sense of urgency. It probably won't work as well as I would hope, but we'll see. No matter what, it should be fun nonetheless.

Anyway, that's all I have to write for now. I just wanted to get something down before I got ready for the rest of my day.

Things I Just Don't Understand

• Why Google AdSense offers Life Insurance on this blog.

Seriously, why? Are my posts that dangerous that Google needs to offer the people that read them life insurance? What word could have possibly set off the robots to say, "we really think that the readers of this blog are interested in buying life insurance." If anything, it should think my readers are possibly religious, political, or into music - not life insurance. Of course now that I've mentioned life insurance in this post five times already, that will just cement the life insurance ads.

• Why more people don't make money with their blogs if they already blog.

There really is nothing simpler. Sure, you don't make much unless you're actively marketing yourself, but it's still money that you wouldn't have otherwise. And here's the beauty of it all: once you set up the account with your information and import the code into your site (a matter of what, fifteen minutes?), you never have to touch the account ever again. You go about your daily business as you always have and maybe in a couple of months (depending on how many people read your blog) a paycheck will arrive in the mail for you from Google for $100+.

• Why the Romance HelpDesk still gets so many hits a day.

This one, I understand a bit more. My articles on attempts to achieve an hour long orgasm in a woman generates quite a bit of interest. However, I don't think that accounts for the 10-20 hits a day I get on that website in comparison to the 2-5 hits (if I'm lucky) that I get on this blog and The Screaming Eye. Okay, so I'm not talking about hour long orgasms, but I would like to imagine that my content is somewhat interesting sometimes. Besides, I have over thirty posts on this blog and over fifty on The Screaming Eye. That should count for something compared to the eight I have on the Romance HelpDesk. Stupid sex-driven public.

• Why my English 441 Teacher Can't Teach a Goddamn Thing to Save his Life

I'm doing something about this one. I am paying to much to this University to not be taught anything in one of my classes. He can take all of his uh's and um's and shove them up his wirey little ass. And if he doesn't, I'm probably going to shove the Caliph's Design up there. The books we read probably wouldn't be half as idiotic if he bothered to teach us things about them such as the context that they were written in, clarifications on what they were written about, or anything at all. We are left floundering in his class, gasping for whatever it is that he intends to teach us and I'm fucking tired of it.

Those were some things that just perplex me and have been on my mind for the past few days. Now I'm going to go to English and try not to punch my teacher in the face.

Senior Year Charm

I really think that there's something mystical about the last year in an institution that causes amazing things to happen. Either that or my luck just has a thing about storing itself up until it overflows. Either way, I've got a pretty great feeling about this year.

After fighting for every last inch of social turf over the past three years, it feels incredibly odd to be handed three feet of it within the last week. I've been respected more, I've got my own little group, I'm navigating the social iceflows easily, and for once I actually know what to say when talking with people. If that wasn't amazing enough, I've also been inspired to write and it came easily to me instead of being fraught with suffering.

Of course, things aren't all turning up roses, but that is how life goes and it would be unfair otherwise. It's torture to have Renny so far away from me, especially when I know that she could use a hug from me, leaving me powerless to do anything about it. Besides that, working so much between school and my job is rough, but on the upside I'm hearing rumors of significant raises in the future, not to mention a possible promotion. On top of that, talking to Jon revealed that my efforts have been noticed and I've been marked as a possible caree man. Jon also leaked hints as to just how comfy a salary position at CITES could be. It may sound stupid to some of you, but I'm starting to think more and more that this might be something that I'm interested in doing. We'll just have to see where things lead, I guess.

Anyway, it's been a rough and long day, so I'm considering going to bed in the near future.

A Poem in Frustration

Never have I felt so impotent
As I feel just now.
My love lies across the ocean,
Soaked deep in mourning.
Never have my arms felt so far away,
My embrace so cold,
My power so empty.

And We Will Watch

Matt took a long drag on his joint and laid his head against the back of the leather chair that he had collapsed in, examining the cracks on the ceiling absently. He slowly let the smoke out from his mouth and it traced patterns in the air, mirroring the cracks above. "The whole world is going to hell, man."

Brushing a couple of stray dust colored strands of hair away from his eyes, Chris looked out the window into the downpour the obscured the street outside. "Yup, the whole world and us with it." He sighed deeply and pushed himself away from the dreary damp grey world and turned towards Matt. "What are we going to do about it?"

Another curl of smoke escaped Matt's lips and dissipated into the ether. "Nothing. Nothing at all. We're going to sit here, watching it burn." He closed his eyes and imagined his past slowly burning, the elementary school where his teacher beat him for asking questions he couldn't answer, the church that scorned him for questioning the reality of God, the girlfriend who cheated on him with the football team and then dumped him because he "thought too much." All burned to a cinder and became ashes, falling white as snow.

"We can't just watch it burn." Chris flopped down onto the matching leather couch across from Matt. "We have to do something. People will die." He turned and watched Matt blow smoke rings towards the great chandelier that hung far above them, adding a mystical and ancient sort of grace to the room that was long forgotten.

"So? Let them. What concern is it of ours?" Matt opened his eyes and looked at Chris laying on the couch and staring back at him, his gaunt frame seeming like and accusing skeleton in the dim light. "Look, you go brood or whatever you do when the world starts burning, I'm going to watch and light my joint on its ashes."

Sighing, Chris looked up at the ceiling and grimaced. "I don't get you, man. You're possibly the smartest person I know, yet you just don't give a shit. All you do is get baked and live off your inheritance. You could have made a difference. A real difference, man."

"What's the point?" Matt reached over and put out the butt of his joint in the crystal ashtray on the endtable next to him. "The world is going to hell anyway. Any difference that I make won't matter in a week, a month, a year, or whenever it finally happens."

Chris sat up and looked Matt in the eyes. Despite how relaxed his body looked, there was no hiding the passion, anger, and flashing brilliance that lit up Matt's eyes. His body may be calm and relaxed, but his soul was in a fury, lashing out against a world that he hated. He wasn't just passively waiting for the world to burn, he was anticipating it with glee; he was depending on it. "But you could have made a difference, could have stopped it from happening. I know you know it; I can see it in your eyes. You're just selfish, thinking only of yourself."

The rain was getting heavier and a few bolts of lightning struck in the distance, setting off a low rumble of thunder. Matt looked away from Chris and out the window, staring off into space, frowning, but quiet. Chris stood up and walked to the door, turning back as he opened it to leave. "Whatever, I'm done with you. I don't need this. Have fun getting baked, asshole."

Inspired

I'm sitting in the English Lab this morning, buzzed out of my head on an Extra Large can of Monster Khaos, listening to Machine Head on Pandora and I am feeling so amazingly inspired. I really think that the concert this weekend had lingering effects of awesomeness. I feel so freaking blitzed and have a million different images floating through my head. I might even write some of them down.

Took four quizzes on Compass this morning for FSHN 120 without having read any of the material for them. Still got 37/40 on them. Go figure. That class is the best Biology replacement class that I could imagine. Told Ryon about it and I think he might take it next semester, so I'm going to save the book for him. He won't need it, but if you can get it for free, why not, right?

Dude, I just saw that Titus Andronicus is this weekend! I so wanted to be in it because John was directing it, but he dropped that for Okfest, so I didn't worry about it. I should still go see it though, I love that play. Anyone want to come with at 7:30 on Saturday?

Mood Swings

I've been having mood swings today like all crazy. This morning started out as the most wonderful, beautiful morning in as many days since Renny's been gone and I was all bright and cheerful, but without warning or even the slightest trigger, I quickly shifted through several stages of paranoia, depression, and despair. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I know one thing - I can't trust my emotions today.

Not Sure why I'm Blogging this...

When I enter the English Building, I usually enter from the side door which is hidden by a bunch of pine trees and air conditioners, down some stairs, and through the computer lab. Well, as I was walking down the stairs, I looked at the pine tree in from of me to see a bra hanging in it. I looked on the ground and there were two other articles of clothing, looking to be from the same set. Now, where that clothing was is not easy to reach so that makes me wonder. Did someone just put them there as a joke or did something actually happen? If something happened, where? Things like this just make me intensely curious since they are so out of the ordinary.

I would have taken pictures, but my camera is at home and my phone isn't good enough. Maybe I'll remember tomorrow and they'll still be there.