Dear Closet Nerds,

What the fuck is your problem?

For a long while, the only true closet nerd that I knew was Crap who would twitch and panic if you even hinted at a relationship between him and the Metagamers while in public. He was really ashamed of being a gamer even though he was one of the most involved gamers that I've ever known. After a bit of a snafu with him and I meeting at a What You Will play and me exposing him as a nerd to them and then exposing every other member of the play as a nerd as well, I thought he had gotten better about the whole being a nerd thing. Well, Crap and I had an online interaction last night that proves otherwise.

Crap is no longer the only closet nerd that I know of now though. I have a coworker who is very much the same way except that it goes so far that although he has nerdy impulses and enjoys nerdy things, he is so ashamed of his own nerdiness that he won't even allow himself to indulge in that nerdiness, even in private.

So I want to ask all of you closet nerds out there, what's the big deal? I can see being ashamed of Larping, but only because of its traditional social stimatization, not anything else. After all, Larp is basically expanded improvisational acting with a rule system behind it, acting out a story that cannot be told in only one evening. Sure, it's like a giant game of Make-Believe, but so is any form of acting or writing. Only here, you get a bigger say in what happens with the story while still working with others.

If it was tabletop roleplaying, I would understand being ashamed of easier. After all, the stereotype for tabletop is a goup of nerds sitting around in someone's basement, being slobs, rolling dice, and doing math to pretend that they are wizards, thiefs, and warriors playing out high fantasy. Since a lot of tabletop is DnD, that stereotype is unfortunately fairly accurate. However, it's not always the case.

But I don't see what is so wrong to be a nerd in general. True, a lot of nerds are completely socially inept, but this isn't a product of being a nerd, but rather a seperate trait all in itself. Being a nerd just means that you are intelligent, usually academically. That should be something revered, not scorned. We need more super intelligent people in this world, not less. We should just be encouraging the development of social skills as well. One could argue that Larp does this since the Larp group socializes a ton outside of game. No, it's not very efficient, but its something.

Back in high school, we read a study that wanted to know whether the stereotype about the icompatability of intelligence and social skills was well founded. I don't remember much about the study, but I do remember the general conclusion it had. It said that beauty, brawn, social prowess, and intelligence were often linked togetherand directly proportional instead of inversely so. This seemed to be an obvious thing as all of our best atheletes were also our valadictorians and were friends of mine in my honors classes.

It was only once I reached here that the stereotype seemed to hold up to scrutiny. I was very confused and decided to observe and see if I could determine the reason. What I found out was that the same phenominon that happened in my high school happened to the same extent here, but with one additional factor. Since we were such a high quality school, specialists in a certain field, whether it would be sports or academics, from all over the country would gather together in one place and be more promenant than those who were just fairly good at everything. In fact, since those who weren't quite as good at everything couldn't even get in to this school, it was primarily the specialists and the jack-of-all-trades that made up the student body here. Therefore, those who were fairly good at everything became "average" instead of being praised for excelling as they were used to because no matter what they participated in, there were specialists there who were better at it.

What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with being a nerd, especially if you are also atheletic and a social butterfly. Why should there be? In fact, it should be a blessing to be a nerd, to be able to think creatively, do math well, and enjoy thinking. It's an advantage that you have over people who are not so blessed. Why shouldn't you revel in it? Why would you be ashamed of it?

Finally, a Conclusion

Oh, just an update on things before I forget. They aren't terribly important, but I wanted to make a remark of them. Sarah Uhl and I went out for coffee on Monday night to talk and one of the things that came up is what happened last year. Now, things make a bunch more sense and we're on good terms with each other (as far as I know. It's always a little hard to tell with her.)

However, let me see if I can lie out the miscommunication that happened between us. I thought that she was mad at me because of the things we did and the fact that there was no relationship to follow since that was what I was told and ostracised for. I was mad at her because i thought she purposefully propigated the lie that I didn't tell her that it was a one time thing and actually attempted to destroy what little social standing I had.

What actually happened was that Crap made a drink for her the night stuff happened between her and I which made her forget the night before for the mostpart (which I didn't know. If I did, I wouldn't have had her drive over to my place in any circumstance.) Therefore, she has no recollection what-so-ever of the talk I had with her before anything happened making sure that she understood the terms on which I was interested in things happening and making sure that they were terms that suited her as well. After all, the last thing that I wanted was the situation to bite me in the ass as it did before. (Maybe it's not romantic, but I feel it's better to be careful than romantic when dealing with the feelings of someone else.)

However, that wasn't the reason that she was mad at me. She was mad at me because I apparently started ignoring her online while she was in France and she was frustrated and panicking, being all alone. Well, a lot of things were happening at that point, but I tried to communicate with her the best I could. However, it seemed as though she disliked talking to me and I was told that she was mad at me over the things we did, so I just slowly stopped talking to her thinking that I made her angry every time that I approached her. Had I known that she just wanted to talk more, a lot of pain could have been avoided.

So, that's the summary of everything that matters as far as I can tell. If you were curious as it seemed like a lot of you were, there's your answer. One final thing though, since at least one person has been confused on the matter. Sarah and I did not have sex. Though the experience we shared was a sexual one, it contained very extremely limited sexual acts, more appropriate to a shy and curious fourteen year old than to the reputation I was given over it. The next time you want to give me a heinous reputation, at least allow me to have done significant acts worth the trouble. Just saying.

A Minor Purpose

Tonight, as I walked to the bus from work holding five Halloween cupcakes and have a two-liter of Coke, I realized something profound. I realized that I feel like I have not felt for many years, back before high school, before I lost my delusions of grandeur. I feel strong. I feel important. I feel proud.

I finally feel like a true individual, living my own life truly independent of any others, with my own dreams and my own desires. I do not want to make it sound as though my relationships with others have become less important because they have not. I have never really held my own individuality in a high position of importance, not even when I was very small. Now though, I see what it means to follow one's dreams.

I feel a little silly because my dreams are not something grandiose like those of other people that I know. I don't wish to put on a huge musical, become famous, or save the Earth. I wouldn't mind such things and I freely help others with those goals, but they aren't my goals. No, mine are quite different and much smaller in scope.

What I would like do do for a while (I'm not sure how long exactly, but it feels like something I could see myself enjoying doing for a very long time) is work at CITES. I really like my job. I don't like being a consultant, dealing with stupid people all of the time, but it has been a long time since I really considered that my job. Even though only a consultant I may be (as neither my raise or promotion seems to have gone through...), I take on the role of an Academic Hourly or a Full-Timer quite often and I really like it. I am a role model for the younger students, someone who they can look to for answers and confide in with problems. The organizational and managerial problems that I face are challenging, but rewarding at the same time, causing me to really feel my potential bubbling up within me. With every little thing I do within CITES, I watch it grow and flux, becoming stronger and better.

No, I don't influence CITES that much, but I do a little bit, and that's enough for me. Even doing so little, I affect dozens of people, subtly making their lives better and I feel that is a truly noble purpose, one that I wish to continue doing. I know that my life situation may change eventually. I know that I may grow frustrated with what I'm doing now and seek out another purpose. I know that I may have to give up my dreams in the future to provide for the good of us all. However, that time is not yet now and I can feel the fury of my passion supporting this cause, making me feel truly alive.

Maybe I'll get lucky and all of the pieces will fall into place, allowing me to continue to do what I love so much. We will see.

I realize that three posts in so many hours is quite excessive, but I also realize that most probably no one reads this anyway, so it shouldn't matter all that much. I'm just humming with energy and can't quite focus it on any of the things that I'm supposed to be doing such as reading one of my two books sitting in my pockets for my British Modernism class or writing/revising the story I posted on Facebook.

I think I may actually save that for next month which just happens to be National Novel Writing Month. Unlike in days past where inspiration just kind of peters out in my head and I end up writing myself into a corner, I have plenty of ideas in my head - almost too many. However, with all of the work I've been doing lately, I've been feeling too congested to just let it flow. If other people cared more, I could probably keep writing it despite the congestion, but it's not their job to care, it's mine to write despite other people.

Thinking about all of this British Modernism crap has caused me to think a lot about my writing. It hasn't helped me craft at all and I still think that arguing about Literature analysis is pointless, arrogant, and stupid, but some of the individual topics have struck a cord in me. Kelly, I'm sure you'd be proud of yourself. I still feel antagonistic towards the material just on principle as I still believe literature analysis to be rape most foul, violating the work and the author alike, but I no longer feel antagonistic towards you.

From my first experiences with this class, I felt that if a class were to hook me and keep me interested, it would not be this one. However, through the extreme antagonism and violent fights that it's caused, it has grabbed a hold on me and practically beat me into submission. I feel like its quickly becoming my goal to grab it back and render my superiority over it. Even if I come out of that class with a less than decent grade, I will understand the material.

The book that we are reading right now (or rather, supposed to have had read for last Thursday) has really got its claws in me for better or for worse. It's a compilation on three novellas, The Fox, The Captain's Doll, and The Ladybird, all with the explicit theme that can be summed up as love and emotion are evil and we should deny them to refrain from being hurt. Usually, when reading something that I get really into, I take up the personality of one of the main characters in the text and am inflicted with their personalities. Thankfully, this is not the case this time. Although I have noticed a decline in my sex drive, I think no less of love. Instead, I feel that I am becoming harmonized with the novellas themselves, with the Art that they are a part of. I feel that my writing shows this as do my musings. I can't explain any further, but let me say that I finally understand what it means to say that you want to capture something before it is anything. I am driven for the same, but held back by the very same impulse. Almost as if I am a puppet held by the strings of this Art, ready for action, but waiting for the right time.

Something isn't complete within me though. Every time I think about this particular thing, my brow furrows and I feel as if my soul is under construction. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for, the construction to be finished.

I know, however, that what I write, no matter how influenced by works of British Modernism, will never be termed Modernism. Not because of the time period within which I live because I feel that Eysteinsson is right to argue that Modernism in itself has no time period (though I'm still trying to determine exactly what Modernism is), but because it follows strict formalism. If there's anything I can't deal with, it's formalism. How can you expect to have something truly pure if you allow it to be contrived in a such a way, no matter how organic?

I need to run so that I can get filled with caffeine before my next class, so I will hold off on my ponderings for now.

Physical Contact

The bus that picked us up this morning was a single, instead of the double that usually comes. Since even the double is usually crowded, that means that we were packed in like sardines and I was acutely aware of the people around me. The bus ride was extra long due to construction, so I had quite a bit of time to think on the way to class.

I realized there, standing shoulder to shoulder with the anonymous individuals on the bus, that the only direct physical contact I receive is through brushing up against people on accident in a crowded bus. The lurching of the bus controls my movements and therefore controls how much contact I have every day. It's strange to have a bus control such a powerful thing in one's life as physical contact with other people.

It's no wonder I seldom feel human.

Epic Weekend.

So, this weekend was incredibly Epic, mostly Epic fail. Let me recount it to you in backwards order as tonight's failure was the most Epic and clearest in my mind.

First of all, I thought that this week was actually next week and therefore thought that I had an additional paper and project due in the next three days on top of my paper and exam on Tuesday. I appropriately freaked out and tried to figure out how I was going to stay awake for seventy-two hours in order to complete all of the work I needed to finish. I felt like such a fool when I realized my temporal error.

However, thinking that it was next week already caused me to check my DARS audit to see where I was towards graduation just to double-check and make sure that I was on track. I found out that I am definitely not on track like I thought I was an actually screwed up really bad by taking a philosophy 300 course instead of a Literature 300 course this semester. So in order to graduate on time, I have to take eighteen hours next semester instead of the expected twelve. However, I was able to plan out my schedule so that since I will be able to register before most people, I will get the classes I want (including a Sci-Fi lit class and a Fantasy Lit class) which I planned to have all lumped together, so I may actually end up with more free time than I ever did even taking twelve hours of classes. To make it all work though, I'm going to have to get permission to do CW 455, independent study. Pro: means I might actually be published by the time I graduate. Con: It will take a LOT of work.

I didn't get invited to the shindig at Narnia House this Saturday. I actually wasn't expecting to since Katie was down and I also still don't feel quite integrated into the group yet, but it was still kind of disappointing. Sarah constantly complains on how she misses out on everything, but I don't think she realizes just how much she doesn't miss out on. She should look at things from my point of view just to be able to see what she is a part of that I seemingly can't be.

Don't take my subtle frustration as a lamentation however. Although I feel very left out of the loop, the Carpé Noctem social group is not my everything. I would have liked it to be a bigger part of my life than it is, but c'est la vie. Instead, it seems as though I am creating a social group of my own of people who are more like-minded to me.

Which brings me to the point of my weekend that was Epic Win. Since I didn't get invited to either of the parties that were happening on Saturday, I hung out at Game Night with the usuals. I ended up talking to Matt quite a bit and after Game Night let out, we went over to his place and talked some more. In fact, we talked until about three in the morning until the point where I could feel my body physically shutting down and I stumbled to the bus to take me home.

It was a really good night and I feel really accomplished. Matt is an amazing person who I wish that I had met much earlier in my collegiate career because I feel like we share so many of the same references at least somewhat. I'm still nowhere near as nerdy as him (or nerdy in the standard way, I should say), but we're both technophiles and mediaphiles which goes a long way. I really think I've made a high quality friend in him, one that I can trust not to ditch me on the side of the curb like I'm so used to from people up here.

Friday night started my weekend of Fail. The tabletop game went really well (extraordinarily so, even) and got done right on time. However, it took us a little while to get going and got caught by a train, so we missed out on the laser light show outing with the rest of the group. Then I was all set to got to the gothabilly show at the Cowboy Monkey, but due to a miscommunication with Lynley (that I won't go into right now) and the 70W Grey not running late on Friday nights, I ended up staying home and going to bed early and pissed off.

Looking back, I guess my weekend really wasn't all that bad. It was incredibly disappointing, but shit happens. The only thing that frustrates me is my schedule for next year, but even that doesn't bother me terribly. It'll be a lot of work, but I might as well leave school with a bang. I'll just have to condition myself so that I actually do work. Guess I better start now.

Adieu, Moonstruck

Apparently, Moonstruck Cafe on the corner of Green and Wright in Champaign closed its doors permanently yesterday. I absolutely loved that place and had no idea that it was going to close. I am so incredibly disappointed. If you're wondering why they did it, here is the press release:

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To our customers:

Moonstruck Chocolate Co. recently announced it had made the difficult decision to close its nine Moonstruck Chocolate Cafés outside of the Portland-area as part of an effort to focus its retail business here in the Pacific Northwest. While we no longer will be serving those markets through our café locations, our chocolates remain available nationally through our wholesale customers. Customers can also find our complete line of year-round and seasonal chocolates here on our website, moonstruckchocolate.com.

If you possess a Moonstruck Chocolate Café gift card and had planned on redeeming it at a café that has now closed, we want to assure you we will honor any outstanding monetary value remaining on your card. To redeem, simply call 1-800-557-MOON and speak with one of our customer service professionals.

We remain committed to producing handcrafted artisan chocolates of the highest quality, and we look forward to continuing to offer you exciting new concepts in chocolate in the near future. We thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Moonstruck Chocolate Co.
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So, Moonstruck, if this is the end, I must say Adieu. I will be extremely sad to see you go. You've provided some very good dates and many delicious Brown Cow shakes. You will always live on in my memories.

Let's Have Ourselves a Rant

Ugh, my head is killing me. I don't have a headache, but I can feel my sinus problems developing. I always hate this point because my sinuses just tingle and annoy me and I know that there's nothing I can do to solve it. Not to mention the fact that this means that I will have more advanced sinus problems for at least a week...

Both my parents decided to bail on me for this weekend and now it's only my grandparents coming up to visit me. What the fuck do I do now? At least with my parents coming up, they would take charge of activities and whatnot and I wouldn't be left to entertain. Now I have to find something for my grandparents to do that they will enjoy which is nigh impossible. Most likely they'll want to just sit around my apartment and talk with me (read: complain about shit). I can't think of a worse way to spend my Saturday...

...except maybe to spend it with the one person that I'm constantly fighting with, Katie. Wait, what's that? She's going to be down this weekend? Well, sh*t.

Actually, though I'm not on particularly good terms with Katie, I have been looking forward to her return to see if I get invited to a party over at the Narnia House. I feel that's probably the easiest way to tell if I actually have been incorporated back into the group as it seems. It won't dramatically change anything, but it is something that I've been wanting to know.

Speaking of a return to the group, I have been hanging out with people more often. This past Monday, I went and watched Heroes after work with Ryon and Jon. It was one of the best episodes that I've ever seen and was so wonderful to watch with the two of them. I hope this becomes a weekly activity for me as well as Thursdays.

But this isn't supposed to be a post about good things! Back to Ranting!

I have a meeting with my Modernism teacher tomorrow to discuss why an insipid idiot like him gave my paper a D when it does a much better job of discussing class materials than his lectures do. I am going to try my very best to be civil, but I have enough complaints with him that it's going to be excruciatingly difficult, especially while sick. The Brujah side of me is just itching to get out.

Actually, that's as much of a rant as I have. I mean, I could elaborate on any of these points, but I really don't need to. They're pretty self-explanatory. All of my other classes are doing really well, the games I'm a part of are doing nicely, and I'm making great amounts of headway into the social scene. I don't have too terribly much to complain about.

Crazy Weekend (+ Thursday)

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy doing a crazy little social gig, keeping myself precariously balanced on everyone's good sides (except Katie's, but is that really all that surprising? I thought not.)

Wednesday night, just as I had crawled into bed, Ryon texted me an invite to go to the Man Man show at the Canopy Club with special guest Tim Fite. Obviously, if you know me, I was super excited and did not delay one bit in accepting his invitation.

So, after work (and Skyping a little bit with my darling lovie-pie) I went over to Thursdays at Ryon for the first time in a long time. Since I was no longer really having too many problems with anyone, I figured that it would be a good time to test the waters. I was so glad I went. The food was absolutely delicious and amazing. Sam made mini chicken/bacon/green pepper/onion skewers, Jenn made biscuits that tasted identical to the biscuits at Red Lobster, and Uhl made homemade apple sauce. Everything was super delicious. I haven't had such good apple sauce since I used to eat it at Grandma Eberheart's place.

Before the movie started up, Ryon and I left and walked over to the Canopy Club. I had already bought tickets online and printed them out, but Ryon still needed to get tickets at the door. In retrospect, I should have bought them at the door as well, but I prefer to be prepared, even at extra cost.


The show was supposed to start at 9:30, but didn't atually start until closer to 10-10:30. Tim Fite was the first on stage and Ryon and I got close up to the front to watch and actually become part of the show. It was really amazing. The songs inspired insanity and were fun and catchy and the images helped me think of plot for my tabletop game. If you ever get the chance to see Tim Fite in concert, do it. I bought one of his cds, but the music really isn't anything terribly special without the entire experience which is completely worth the cost and trouble of going out to see him.

Man Man, however, was not as good. The music was energetic and really got me moving, but it was overcomplicated and much too loud, turning it into indistinguishable noise which is unfortunate, considering how interesting their instruments are. Seriously, that was the most instruments I've ever seen played at once by five or six people.

After the concert, Ryon and I stumbled back to his place and we found delicious pie that was made by Colleen. Exhausted as I was, I decided to stay, have a piece of pie, and watch a little Bullshit before walking back to my place even though it was already 1:30 in the morning. (I'm glad I stayed because I got out to Lincoln just in time to catch my bus.)

Friday was Larp and it was one of the most disappointing Larps of this year. Up until this point, they had been very good and I felt really involved. This Friday's Larp just seemed to drag on and on without me able to pursue any of my own plots.

Going to Steak n Shake afterwards was really good though. I sat with Lee, Amish Jon, and Jenn and bitched about certain things going on in the Larp. It was really cathartic and I'm really feeling much more like part of the group again.

Saturday, I started out the day with the single intent to do nothing but sit on my ass and play Disgaea. This did not last, however. Renny was feeling less than well, so we talked for a little while and while we were doing so, I got a surprising IM from Uhl, asking me if I wanted to get lunch so that she could extend an olive branch. I had already eaten, but was eager to make peace with Uhl one way or another and knew I shouldn't pass up this opportunity, so I apologized to Renny and went off and got dressed up spiffy as possible to go meet with Uhl for lunch.

She picked me up around 2 and we went over to the mall to have Panda Express. For the mostpart, the conversation went really well as we had small talk and talked a lot about work and such. Toward the end of the conversation though, she brought up the situation with Zack, just as I had expected her to. I did my best to explain things truthfully while not offending her or making her mad at Zack or I. Trust me, that was one exercise in knife dancing that I'd rather not have to do again. Even so, I think I came out okay.

After that, I went home and skyped a little more with Renny to see how she was feeling and to let her know that things were better here than what they have been for a long time. Renny then decided that she should be good and rest up some, so I went back to playing Disgaea a little. I swear that i didn't get more than a half-hour in before Lynley and Jaden came home and we all went out to Arby's then the Metagamers meeting.

The Metagamers meeting plus game night was long and trying. There is this guy who plays games with us named Carl who I want to beat up more often than not. I dislike him more than stuko at my work, and that says a lot. He really brings down the fun of games to close to nothing.

I met some of Matt Wetherbee's friends and had a long, fucked up conversation with one of them where I was trying to look entertained and attentive while my insides were screaming. A while into our conversation, the Carpé Noctem social group came in with sandwiches from Fats. (Yes, they are as disgustingly compiled as they sound. Just thinking about them makes me want to vomit.)

Well, Matt Delingher called me over after a bit and we discussed things about larp and such like that, another thing that made me feel so much more integrated in the group than I have in a super long time. Talking about the Larp was so much more entertaining than being in the Larp this past Friday. At least while talking about it, you don't have to wait around for an ST.

Zack came down from his Call of Cthulu game and we talked a little bit about things and I made sure he got how serious I was about the special instructions that I gave him. A little while later, Lynley and her group that was playing games decided that it was time to go to Steak n Shake, but Jenn and Ryon pulled me off to the side of the room before I got a chance to go and inquired about the lunch with Uhl. I'm glad they did because it shows that someone knows what sort of position I'm in and actually understands what's going on for once. After feeling like the bad guy all of the time, it was nice to see people trusting me and concerned about me.

I told them that everything was cool and gave Jenn a quick breakdown on what I told Uhl regarding Zack as well as the background behind it all that I knew at the time. She seemed to understand and agree with me that Zack had problems with women and that it was wise to discourage the romantic interest of Uhl because it would be dangerous for the both of them (not to mention the rest of it if it blew up in a similar way to other situations.)

Minus the Carpé Noctem group, we all went over to Steak n Shake just to find it all packed by what I believe to be the Korean Church Group. We decided to not push our luck or to burden the sole waitress and went over to Perkin's instead where we were treated very special, du to our frequency of visits.

Uhl showed up after we had been waiting for a hort while and it was negotiated purely by luck for her to sit across from Zack and I. I was worried, but also pleased that it happened as it allowed me to prove without trying that neither Zack nor I had any ill will towards her and that Zack was not intentionally ignoring her whatsoever. The conversation went extremely well, so I have a feeling that things are much better now. It is still possible that Uhl's paranoia will cause her to think that I put Zack up to being nice to her (which isn't too far from reality, with one important difference; I was checking to make sure that Zack wasn't ignoring her, not asking him to be nice to her), but that's not too horrible of a thing to be accused of.

Today, I actually managed to spend a good portion of the day in bed before having to get up and do some chores and help with lunch. By the time I finished all of that, it was pretty much time for work, but Lynley let me borrow her car tonight, so I didn't mind.

All in all, it's been a pretty crazy weekend, doing crazy social gymnastics. I can't wait to see the fun we will have next weekend when Katie comes into town. Will we be able to survive the weekend if we happen to be in one another's presence? Will we have another one of our Big Talks? Will the War between us rage stronger or will we come to a temporary truce?

Check out next week's episode of Ishmael's Dance, "War Dance" for all, some, or maybe none of these answers and more!

I've decided to skip my FSHN class today. It was less of a decision and more of a realization that I'd probably miss my bus anyway even if I hurried, but whatever. I have things I could be doing here anyway like homework or creating NPCs for my tabletop game. I've actually got quite a few of them in my head now which used to always be a problem. However, this game just seems to be writing itself. I'm so happy.

I still have a paper and a bunch of reading that I have to do for tomorrow, but as per usual, I just don't want to do it. I hate so many of my classes this semester for different reasons. My FSHN class is inanely stupid, history is standard history (which means a lot of reading and memorizing which I hate), British Modernism's teacher tries to hard to be clever and fails miserably. I only like my philosophy course marginally and finding out how I did on my paper and exam will determine whether I like it or hate it. I love my grammar class because it's something I'm good at and our teacher is amazing, but the students in that class have a tendency to frustrate me.

Just heard from Spencer that Colleen and Mike are going out. Whether it is or isn't official isn't known at this time, but it's not like it matters. What matters is that I called it when I was drunk and talking to them at my party. I tell you, I know things. I pick up the signals all around me and use my insanity to piece them together. It's like a permanent Eyes of Chaos. Now if they would have just not beat around the bush and caused such a hassle to me, it would've been wonderful. Whatever, they sound happy and that's what matters. Hopefully things work out as well as they seemed to in my vision. I've been waiting for something really nice to happen in this way for both Colleen and Mike.

Spencer is probably going to be starting up a Scion game which should be interesting. I've never heard of it before, but Spencer tells me that it's a game in which you play the children of Gods. Seems like an interesting concept and an interesting group of players, so I'm going to try it out if timing works out. If he wants to start it up this semester, I'll only be able to play on either Thursdays, Saturdays, or Sundays so I worry about the timing, but I hope it works out.

Nothing more really to say (or rather, say publicly). I want to talk about my plans for the upcoming tabletop games, but since it is conceivable (however unlikely) that my players could be reading this blog, I don't want to spoil the surprises. However, if you are interested, feel free to ask me about it personally because I'm just bursting with enthusiasm.

Vampire Night Two Summary

So, you may know that Mike (yes, I'm actually calling him Mike instead of Sal, mainly because he's becoming a really good friend of mine, but hasn't earn an affectionate nickname yet) writes up incredibly entertaining summaries of all of games he's in. Well, he wrote up what I consider to be a particularly good one last night. Here it is.

One Year

Well, believe it or not, Renny and I have made it a whole year together as of today. (Not sure why you wouldn't believe it though, people complained that we were together too much as it was :p) Unfortunately, we aren't able to celebrate together right now since she's all the way in Scotland, but I'm not as upset about that as I would have been with some of my previous relationships. Don't get me wrong, I really wish I could celebrate with her today, but I don't have any worries about being able to celebrate it later with her. After all, every day that I've been with her so far has been a celebration of life and our love for each other and I really don't see why it should change.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from celebrating in the slightest today. I am determined to have a great day. I've just come back from my grammar class in which we had a quiz and I did some amateur architecture on a handout given to us. I just threw in some laundry and plan to jump in the shower before too long. Then I think I'll skip FSHN 120 since it's going to be a post exam review and drop in to work to close some cases that have been festering for close to a month now while getting paid for a few extra hours. After that I'm going to hop the bus home and get prepared to play Vampire with the guys. It should be a good game tonight with things for the players to actually do since one of the other players decided to leave for the weekend.

Okay, so a missing player usually isn't cause for celebration, but in this case, it is. The game was going kind of slow last time, but with John gone, that means I can use his character to thrust the plot forward unbelievably and give the players a nice sense of urgency. It probably won't work as well as I would hope, but we'll see. No matter what, it should be fun nonetheless.

Anyway, that's all I have to write for now. I just wanted to get something down before I got ready for the rest of my day.

Things I Just Don't Understand

• Why Google AdSense offers Life Insurance on this blog.

Seriously, why? Are my posts that dangerous that Google needs to offer the people that read them life insurance? What word could have possibly set off the robots to say, "we really think that the readers of this blog are interested in buying life insurance." If anything, it should think my readers are possibly religious, political, or into music - not life insurance. Of course now that I've mentioned life insurance in this post five times already, that will just cement the life insurance ads.

• Why more people don't make money with their blogs if they already blog.

There really is nothing simpler. Sure, you don't make much unless you're actively marketing yourself, but it's still money that you wouldn't have otherwise. And here's the beauty of it all: once you set up the account with your information and import the code into your site (a matter of what, fifteen minutes?), you never have to touch the account ever again. You go about your daily business as you always have and maybe in a couple of months (depending on how many people read your blog) a paycheck will arrive in the mail for you from Google for $100+.

• Why the Romance HelpDesk still gets so many hits a day.

This one, I understand a bit more. My articles on attempts to achieve an hour long orgasm in a woman generates quite a bit of interest. However, I don't think that accounts for the 10-20 hits a day I get on that website in comparison to the 2-5 hits (if I'm lucky) that I get on this blog and The Screaming Eye. Okay, so I'm not talking about hour long orgasms, but I would like to imagine that my content is somewhat interesting sometimes. Besides, I have over thirty posts on this blog and over fifty on The Screaming Eye. That should count for something compared to the eight I have on the Romance HelpDesk. Stupid sex-driven public.

• Why my English 441 Teacher Can't Teach a Goddamn Thing to Save his Life

I'm doing something about this one. I am paying to much to this University to not be taught anything in one of my classes. He can take all of his uh's and um's and shove them up his wirey little ass. And if he doesn't, I'm probably going to shove the Caliph's Design up there. The books we read probably wouldn't be half as idiotic if he bothered to teach us things about them such as the context that they were written in, clarifications on what they were written about, or anything at all. We are left floundering in his class, gasping for whatever it is that he intends to teach us and I'm fucking tired of it.

Those were some things that just perplex me and have been on my mind for the past few days. Now I'm going to go to English and try not to punch my teacher in the face.

Pointless

I think I've discovered part of the reason that I keep not doing my homework like I should. I was just reading the Caliph's Design for my British Modernism class and the more I read it, the angrier I got - not because of the content, but because of the class. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be learning in that class what so ever. The teacher doesn't teach so much as ask us questions that are abstract and sit around letting us figure out an intelligible answer while he just tells us that we're wrong or almost right. Quite often, he will let us travel down the discussion path of a conclusion that he considers wrong for fifteen minutes and then tell us that the truth is the complete opposite. Everything we're doing in class, I could do sitting at home in my living room if I was told what books to read and given time to think about them. I can't stand this. I think I'm going to bring this up with the teacher today because I think he's full of shit and I'm not paying so much goddamn money to be taught shit.

At least all of my other classes actually objectively teach me something, even if I have a problem with them as well.

Senior Year Charm

I really think that there's something mystical about the last year in an institution that causes amazing things to happen. Either that or my luck just has a thing about storing itself up until it overflows. Either way, I've got a pretty great feeling about this year.

After fighting for every last inch of social turf over the past three years, it feels incredibly odd to be handed three feet of it within the last week. I've been respected more, I've got my own little group, I'm navigating the social iceflows easily, and for once I actually know what to say when talking with people. If that wasn't amazing enough, I've also been inspired to write and it came easily to me instead of being fraught with suffering.

Of course, things aren't all turning up roses, but that is how life goes and it would be unfair otherwise. It's torture to have Renny so far away from me, especially when I know that she could use a hug from me, leaving me powerless to do anything about it. Besides that, working so much between school and my job is rough, but on the upside I'm hearing rumors of significant raises in the future, not to mention a possible promotion. On top of that, talking to Jon revealed that my efforts have been noticed and I've been marked as a possible caree man. Jon also leaked hints as to just how comfy a salary position at CITES could be. It may sound stupid to some of you, but I'm starting to think more and more that this might be something that I'm interested in doing. We'll just have to see where things lead, I guess.

Anyway, it's been a rough and long day, so I'm considering going to bed in the near future.

A Poem in Frustration

Never have I felt so impotent
As I feel just now.
My love lies across the ocean,
Soaked deep in mourning.
Never have my arms felt so far away,
My embrace so cold,
My power so empty.

And We Will Watch

Matt took a long drag on his joint and laid his head against the back of the leather chair that he had collapsed in, examining the cracks on the ceiling absently. He slowly let the smoke out from his mouth and it traced patterns in the air, mirroring the cracks above. "The whole world is going to hell, man."

Brushing a couple of stray dust colored strands of hair away from his eyes, Chris looked out the window into the downpour the obscured the street outside. "Yup, the whole world and us with it." He sighed deeply and pushed himself away from the dreary damp grey world and turned towards Matt. "What are we going to do about it?"

Another curl of smoke escaped Matt's lips and dissipated into the ether. "Nothing. Nothing at all. We're going to sit here, watching it burn." He closed his eyes and imagined his past slowly burning, the elementary school where his teacher beat him for asking questions he couldn't answer, the church that scorned him for questioning the reality of God, the girlfriend who cheated on him with the football team and then dumped him because he "thought too much." All burned to a cinder and became ashes, falling white as snow.

"We can't just watch it burn." Chris flopped down onto the matching leather couch across from Matt. "We have to do something. People will die." He turned and watched Matt blow smoke rings towards the great chandelier that hung far above them, adding a mystical and ancient sort of grace to the room that was long forgotten.

"So? Let them. What concern is it of ours?" Matt opened his eyes and looked at Chris laying on the couch and staring back at him, his gaunt frame seeming like and accusing skeleton in the dim light. "Look, you go brood or whatever you do when the world starts burning, I'm going to watch and light my joint on its ashes."

Sighing, Chris looked up at the ceiling and grimaced. "I don't get you, man. You're possibly the smartest person I know, yet you just don't give a shit. All you do is get baked and live off your inheritance. You could have made a difference. A real difference, man."

"What's the point?" Matt reached over and put out the butt of his joint in the crystal ashtray on the endtable next to him. "The world is going to hell anyway. Any difference that I make won't matter in a week, a month, a year, or whenever it finally happens."

Chris sat up and looked Matt in the eyes. Despite how relaxed his body looked, there was no hiding the passion, anger, and flashing brilliance that lit up Matt's eyes. His body may be calm and relaxed, but his soul was in a fury, lashing out against a world that he hated. He wasn't just passively waiting for the world to burn, he was anticipating it with glee; he was depending on it. "But you could have made a difference, could have stopped it from happening. I know you know it; I can see it in your eyes. You're just selfish, thinking only of yourself."

The rain was getting heavier and a few bolts of lightning struck in the distance, setting off a low rumble of thunder. Matt looked away from Chris and out the window, staring off into space, frowning, but quiet. Chris stood up and walked to the door, turning back as he opened it to leave. "Whatever, I'm done with you. I don't need this. Have fun getting baked, asshole."

Inspired

I'm sitting in the English Lab this morning, buzzed out of my head on an Extra Large can of Monster Khaos, listening to Machine Head on Pandora and I am feeling so amazingly inspired. I really think that the concert this weekend had lingering effects of awesomeness. I feel so freaking blitzed and have a million different images floating through my head. I might even write some of them down.

Took four quizzes on Compass this morning for FSHN 120 without having read any of the material for them. Still got 37/40 on them. Go figure. That class is the best Biology replacement class that I could imagine. Told Ryon about it and I think he might take it next semester, so I'm going to save the book for him. He won't need it, but if you can get it for free, why not, right?

Dude, I just saw that Titus Andronicus is this weekend! I so wanted to be in it because John was directing it, but he dropped that for Okfest, so I didn't worry about it. I should still go see it though, I love that play. Anyone want to come with at 7:30 on Saturday?

Chicken Grease and Day Old Pudding

Remember that show that Ryon invited me to go to with him? Well, we went last night (just the two of us) and it was a blast! The main band playing was Southern Culture on the Skids which is a small trashabilly band, I believe. It was the first I ever heard their music and it was so awesome. I don't think that they are the type of band I could listen to a cd of and enjoy though. The live experience is really needed for a band this awesome.

To give you an illustration of what I mean, they have one song called "Day Old Banana Pudding" in which a fan got up on stage and started distributing some homemade day old banana pudding to the band and the crowd. In one of their closing songs, they started throwing KFC chicken out into the crowd. I have never been so happy to be covered in chicken grease.

Besides the sheer awesomeness of the show itself, it was really great to hang out with Ryon and be bonded by a thread of common interest for a change. He seemed to really enjoy how much I was getting into the music and I absolutely loved having his company. All in all, the bonding experience was great and I hope that he starts inviting me out to more shows now that he knows that I get such a thrill from them. Even if he doesn't, I might start making changes to my budget so I can make more shows and actually research who is going to be playing. Man, this is just a repeat of high school - not getting into the music scene until my Senior year. Luckily, this Senior year doesn't have to end since I'm not moving out of the area.

Ryon and I talked quite a bit about my policies on Thursdays and the situation with our social scene. He told me that I'm welcome back to Thursdays at any time and although I'd like to come back, I'm still a bit hesitant, though much less than I was before. Colleen actually approached me under her own initiative at Perkins after the larp and talked to me about me avoiding her which I didn't expect at all. She said that although we'll never be buddy-buddy with one another, that there's no reason we can't be civil towards one another and maintain civil company. I have to admit, she's absolutely right about that. I'm still not comfortable around her, but it's nice to know that she doesn't find it impossible to be near me.

The weirder thing that makes me less hesitant to go back to Thursdays is the fact that when I saw Matt on Saturday Night after the show, he was (or seemed rather convincingly) genuinely friendly towards me, bumping fists with me and talking. He actually even invited me out to the movie that they were going to go see. I considered it, but I wanted time to take in this new data and see what other data presented itself before taking any action, so I turned him down for now, but if Matt actually is starting to have less of a problem with me, I might see about hanging out with that crowd again. His hatred and manipulation was the main reason that I started avoiding that group because it was his version of me that became my reputation.

The thing keeping me hesitant though is Uhl. I am not going to beat around the bush; I despise Uhl. She has taken advantage of my kindness and hospitality and then spit on my honor and to me, there is nothing more vile than spitting on a man's honor. It is because of her that I have the reputation of being lusty, underhanded, deceptive, and the type of man that takes advantage of women. If you know me, you know how true that is.

It is true, I was lusty, yearning for a bit of intimacy from someone, pretty much anyone, but that is as much of her story that is true. I had just broken up up with Kristina not too long before the incident and was getting lonely and bored. I figured that I hadn't given in too much to any vice as of late, so I would indulge my desire for closeness. I had intended to indulge with someone I knew decently well to reduce complications while mutually enjoying ourselves. I wasn't ready for any sort of commitment after having come out of a relationship as horrid as the one with Kristina, but I didn't see any harm in fooling around a bit. Well, the couple of girls that I thought would be interested were unavailable, but Sarah was there and a thought occurred to me - she would be going off to France soon and it might be nice for her to have a little closeness before she left. Even if not, it wouldn't hurt to flirt a bit and offer. After all, I was having fun anyway hanging out with her that night. So I enticed her over to the place I was staying and I laid the situation out in front of her and let her make her own decision. I will not say the outcome, but I'm sure you can guess in general terms.

Well, there must have been some miscommunication (I'm not sure how, but I'll give her the benefit of a doubt on that) because as soon as she left, she regretted her decision, saying that she would never had done anything at all without promise of a relationship and that I had swindled that night away. I will admit, I am a thief and a swindler at times, but to be able to swindle something, you have to think of it as a possession to be had and never in my life have I ever treated romance as a dealing in possessions. I have always fancied myself to one of the great worshippers of the female form, offering my praises in the form of affection. (So I have delusions of Grandeur. There are worse delusions to pursue.) So if you have never understood why I am upset with Uhl, I hope it's clear now.

To make matters worse, Ryon informed me that Uhl got the job at CITES and Spencer has been training her. Actually, it was Spencer who got her the interview as well. Work was my last point of solitude, the last place that I had complete control over. I brought Spencer in as a favor to him and to me. Him, the pay, me the loyal company. Of course, if I wanted someone who shared loyalties with me, I probably could've done better than Spencer since he has this annoying habit of mucking things up, but he's a good guy and decent to be around. Maybe I can get one of my newer compatriots a job there as well to even things out a bit. My sanctuary will remain my sanctuary at all costs. Luckily for now, I don't have to worry about it. Uhl works in the mornings and I work only in the evenings.

I apologize about the length of my rant. I didn't intend for this to be a rant at all, but there's something about thinking about things while watching Sweeney Todd that just lends itself to ranting. Then again, I may have started ranting anyway. There is nothing I dislike so strongly as being misrepresented. Hate me all you like, but hate me for something true. Trust me, there's plenty to hate me for without spinning slander. I'll own up to every last thing.

Mood Swings

I've been having mood swings today like all crazy. This morning started out as the most wonderful, beautiful morning in as many days since Renny's been gone and I was all bright and cheerful, but without warning or even the slightest trigger, I quickly shifted through several stages of paranoia, depression, and despair. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I know one thing - I can't trust my emotions today.

Apologies for Being Overly Harsh

I was proven wrong again last night. I knew that I was being overly harsh with my last post, but I was feeling bitter and depressed over the whole affair. That's not an excuse for my words though, and I'm sorry.

Not three hours after I made my post, Ryon texted me and invited me out to a show at the HighDive this weekend. I'm not sure who the band is (or rather, I've never heard their music, nor know what genre their music is), but it should at least give me an opportunity to test the waters again and hang out with Ryon.

I guess the moral of this story is that I shouldn't be so quick to judge all the time. People can still surprise me.

Thursday Again

So, it's Thursday once again and I think that I will spend tonight alone in my apartment. Lynley won't be home until nine when I go to pick her up, but even then it's not likely that we will really hang out, per se.

Of course, when is the last time that I've really hung out with anyone? I mean, in the looser sense, I've hung out with people and we've done stuff, but it's never been the sort of intense hang out sessions that I used to have when I was home.

Even still, Thursdays used to be the night that I would look forward to for the entire week. It was the night when I'd get to go over to Ryon's socialize with people, eat a good meal of interesting food that I helped to create, and just generally unwind. It was nice, even if the people there never really connected with me on a personal level.

I stopped going to Thursdays as major experiment to be able to tell who was really my friend and who didn't actually give a crap about me. I figured that if anyone really cared about me, they'd at least ask what's up, if not try and convince me to come back to Thursdays. So far, only two people have done either of those things and that's Spencer and Jess. I figured that Amish Jon, Jenn, or at least Ryon would, if nothing else, might say something. However, they haven't. Well, I take that back. Jenn has asked me why I stopped coming, but she didn't offer any solace when I told her that I just didn't feel welcome. I don't think any of them are too terribly concerned that I stopped coming.

As for the rest of them, I'll be surprised if they even noticed. I'm certain Uhl noticed since my presence makes her uncomfortable because of what happened between us. I doubt anyone even asked if I was going to show up the past couple of times I haven't shown up.

It really sucks sometimes when your friends prove you right.

Bro Jed

Brother Jed was on campus again today and yesterday. If you don't know who Brother Jed is, he's one of the most well known street preachers still out on streets today. He's often seen with a huge crowd heckling him as his extremist views often ruffle feathers. How extreme? Well, here's one example:

Besides the regular "every college student will burn in hell" views, he also spouts anti-gay, sexist, racist, anti-muslim, radically right wing sentiments. Yes folks, this guy is a real nutjob.

What I don't understand is why he keeps coming to our campus when he obviously only makes a spectacle of himself. He has maybe only one or two supporters and those are very reluctant. Judging by that fact, I find it very difficult to believe that he has actually converted anyone here within the last few years. What a waste of effort.

I told my mother that he was out on campus and she asked me to describe him to her. He was very aptly described as looking identical to the father in American Pie, but instead of giving my mom that reference to look up, I just sent her a picture from off of his website. Apparently, she recognized him as he often stood on the street corner across from where she worked while she was in college at Indiana State. She also said that when he preached there, he wasn't heckled like he was here, he was just blatantly ignored. It sounds as though he was even less effective there than he is here today. Can you imagine that? Working for 20-30 years, preaching the "word of God" and only getting a literal handful of followers? I couldn't abide such a depressing existence.

The way he preaches, you're certain that there is actually something missing in his life, not ours. I've heard that he actually has two daughters, one of which is in college, both of which are incredibly ashamed of him. It makes you wonder what he's actually trying to say when he preaches that all women who go to college are loose whores and prostitutes. This is the guy that preaches that all of our homes are broken. Yeah, I'm sure that he has a perfectly functional home. If his religion really offers such peace, what went wrong with his?

However, what he preaches on the street is nothing compared to the abomination of his website and forum. First off, as a Web Designer hobbyist, the design of his website and forum makes me just vomit. However, I can push past that. The forums are filled with a whole bunch of right-wing nutjobs who can't even agree with themselves. They are hypocritical bigots who can't stand logical reasoning and thinking. Trust me guys, if the Christian God is the God of reason, he is not your God. Needless to say, I've been banned violently from his forums for life.

Apparently, a guy known as acidman to Brother Jed has made several Youtube videos from the past four years of visits that Bro Jed has had to our campus. I haven't looked them up yet, but I plan to as they sound amazing.

Edit: I just went to the brojed.org website for kicks and realized that his bulletin boards are even more fail than I thought. Try reading his boards in Firefox 3. You'll get a kick out of what happens.

Resurfacing

I've been quiet lately, but not for a lack of doing things. Actually, quite the opposite, which is the problem. I had an exam in my Western Civ History class Tuesday morning and a paper due in my Philosophy 380 class today. I would leave it at that and allow you to think that means I've been really busy, but that'd be a downright lie. Instead of studying and writing my paper like I should have been, I've allowed the stress of the combined exam and paper to shut me down mentally and I've procrastinated to no end, not able to get motivated about really anything.

However, I got even more practice with my techniques through the miracle of Facebook. Davidson convinced me that I should grow some balls and finally contact Sam after not talking to her for three or so years. I thought she hated me for the things that happened the summer after High School and I especially didn't want to upset her after Brandon died.

Well, I finally decided to post a generic wall post asking her how things were and I was pleasantly surprised to find myself wrapped up in a wall conversation with her. For two or three days straight, our news feeds were saturated with each others' wall posts and it was really nice. I was pleased to find out that she indeed did not hate me and I was silly for thinking that she did in the first place. We talked about school and life and most of all about relationships, all the while while I was practicing the essential technique of shutting the hell up (or at talking as little as possible to keep the conversation going and not kill it immediately.)

I talked to my cousin about possibly creating a school in which to teach these techniques, a Brotherhood of sorts. Surprisingly (though not surprising in retrospect), he was violently opposed to such an idea. He said that if I ever revealed these techniques to anyone, there would be trouble. I wasn't sure if I should take that as a veiled threat or if he was speaking about the competition we would have for women then, so I just felt it was safer to assume both.

He's right, of course, it would provide for more competition for us. I disagree, however, that it would be a bad thing. This shows the essential differences in our philosophies. I believe that the reason I am trying to excell at romance is to make it more of a challenge for other men by raising women's expectations. I am hoping that by doing this, the standard of romance will rise and it will become something treasured as it should be. In that respect, I want to teach other men how to treat women better so that I can raise the playing field more efficiently. I guess that I'm hoping that in turn, women will treat men with more respect as they are respected more and the whole of the human race will become better. I know, they're stupidly grand and disillusioned ideas, but I just can't help myself. I think that he sees it as a threat, but i'm not sure why. I don't know anyone who's had as much success with women (if you can call it that) as him.

I guess I'll find out one day. For now though, I'll keep my mouth shut.